On Uprooting

My parents live in Asia. I've been living in the States for almost 20 years now. My Dad is turning 70 next January.

Even when i was still dating JD, my Mom would hint with every chance she got that it would be nice if i would move back home. She would tout the benefits such as low living costs and low tax rate, and observe how so-and-so's kid had found a great job in Asia after having gotten a degree in the U.S.

My Dad liked JD. He told me, "If you're happy, don't come back. Ignore your mother." I thought i saw tears in his eyes. I was choked up.

Now that's love. Just like Jesus told his Father in Heaven upon facing great suffering, "Yet not what I want, but what You want."

Whoa, my father is godlike.

You see, i love my Dad. It's my mother i can't stand. Last time i visited, i sunk into such severe depression, i could hardly get out of bed, and i couldn't wait to leave. Sometimes just talking to her on Skype turns me suicidal. It's no joke.

Home is where the heart is. I can't imagine living anywhere else but here.

A few days ago, my Mom emailed a classified ad of employment opportunities in my hometown to me, and cc'd W my brother and Elsie my sis-in-law.

I had to say something. But i could never confront my Mom. So i wrote to W and Elsie instead, joking that my Mom was not very subtle, "I feel guilty, but i don't wanna move back." We'd had this discussion before. I cannot imagine living there. Especially not around my Mom. I'm sorry.

Elsie's response included, "I wish I had spent more time with my Mom." Her Mom passed away several years ago.

Oh, great, more guilt. I don't need this.

W chimed in, "They're aging, and I worry about the fact that they won't have someone around in their time of need."

Well, if you're so worried, why don't you move? Cos you're married with children, and have an important job, whereas i'm single, unattached, and rootless, so my wants don't count??!

I graduated from college in 1995. In 2006, i graduated from college again. The degree is no better. I'm virtually making the same money ten years ago as now, inflation-adjusted.

If this thought alone doesn't depress me, i don't know what does.

Parents, Put a Cork In It

This morning i saw one of those "my child is wonderful" bumper stickers again. This one says:

My child was student of the month at
Cardinal Elementary School*
The place where miracles happen

Congrats on the fact that it takes a miracle for your child to be student of the month!


*Not its real name

Ode to Ashley*

On Thursday, Ashley* came in from another store to help out with filing at my office. I had only met her the Tuesday before. She's eighteen and has just graduated from high school. She looks fourteen. Very petite (about five foot one), has a killer smile, and infectious positive energy.

The guys were all smitten. They took turns stopping by to say hi and introduced themselves, asking all sorts of questions. Our store is has a male-dominant staff, so that was quite a scene. Greg**, one of the assistant managers, who was probably six foot two, practically blushed in Ashley's presence. Cute. And disgusting.

I guess i can relate to the rush of picturing an appendage not fitting in a tight space.

Ashley is very ambitious. She's gonna major in accounting. I wanted to tell her that our job, sadly, didn't require a degree, as i'd noticed shortly after hire.

She was also very eager to prove herself and please our boss (the district supervisor who wasn't around on most days.) I can't remember what it's like. I guess i did feel that way at my first real job as well. She claimed to like us and promised to be back the next day.

But on Friday she took off at two after having finished all the tasks at her store. Not so much as a phone call. She probably has a life. It's Friday, for Christ's sakes. And she's young.


*Not her real name
**Not his real name

Dear Neighbor

A neighbor left a hate note on my windshield last night. It said that i was "rude to wake people up so early in the morning with [my] car alarm." Uh, it's not my car alarm that goes off, dumbass. It's the disabling. I listened to it again and it was really not that loud! I never thought it'd be an issue. Besides, most people are up by seven on weekdays, aren't they? The coward who wrote the note had very poor penmanship, BTW.

So, neighbor, sorry that i've got a job to go to at seven in the morning. You probably have the luxury to mosie on in to work close to lunch time, don't you. Or perhaps you're bitterly unemployed and mope around all day. Either way, i don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!*

That said, i'd rather not have my tires slashed, so i need to look into disabling the sound on the sucker. Sure, not a problem. Just one more thing on my list. Thanks a lot, neighborly person!


*This is a line from A Few Good Men

Dear Diary 3

Depression sets in like fog over the Northern Californian coast, encouraging moss, mildew, and other despicable lowlives to foster and prosper.

When it rains, it pours. The new system at work is going live on October 4, and we just had our first official training session today. Everybody feels overwhelmed and stressed out. It's been 3 weeks since i've been to the gym, and 5 since i've gone grocery shopping. My bedsheets are ridiculously dingy since i've been unable to do laundry. Meanwhile, my weekly group therapy was cancelled today.

I go unraveled.

How quickly novelty wears off, i ponder. For a couple of weeks, York II called practically everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. I thought he'd make the kind of boyfriend i'd always wanted: attentive, available, affectionalte. Even though he wasn't my boyfriend yet. He'd made it very clear he wasn't ready to be someone's boyfriend.

He knew what time i got off from work, and he'd call five minutes after. Just enough time for me to use the facilities and head out to my car. How frigging considerate! One time, he wandered off campus during his only break, just to leave me a message, because he didn't get any signal on campus. Later on, I called him sweet, and he blushed.

Then the phone calls stopped.

Of course, for a depressive like myself, it's typical to start mind-reading. I prepared myself for "the talk". He's probably lost interest and doesn't wanna see me any more. Let's face it, we really aren't a very good match. A blind person would've caught on.

I mean, he doesn't even wanna IM. I have this void that cannot be filled.

I think of all the reasons why i don't wanna be with him either. But it doesn't help.

Today, after what feels like 2 months, i catch York I on Yahoo Messenger. I hardly go on anymore cos no one is ever on. I was glad to have someone to converse with for a change, but he was busy sharing his problems. I barely got a word in on my predicament.

It's a lonely, lonely world.

Yesterday i mailed back to JD the John Irving book i'd borrowed from him just a week before our last breakup. That would be the eighth. He wasn't counting.

It saddens me tremendously because i still feel JD understands me best out of every one i know. And mailing him that book was like finalizing a chapter. At last. But it felt like a weight off at the same time.

El fin, it'd say.

At least with JD the novelty factor went on for more than 3 weeks. But who was counting?

Dear Diary 2

Sometimes i turn on Task Manager just to see the ever-changing numbers... and i get in a trance.

My near-obsolete desktop computer was low in cache to begin with when it was built on a low budget 5 years ago, and even with the RAM add-on's thru the years, it gets pathetically slow.

All this language would elude York II and my trainer JF alike.

I am so misunderstood!!! Lordie Lord Lord!

Dear Diary

For two years now, dating means not having to be alone on Friday night. Newsflash: Not necessarily.

For three weeks now, there've been moments when i've felt resentful toward York II because i can't drink to my heart's content around him. Not since that second date.

There's this dive bar JD and i used to go to once in a while. There i discovered this drink with Midori, vodka and pineapple juice. After weeks of wine lately, it's nice to get a taste of hard liquor again (especially nice on an empty stomach!) It might just become my comfort drink.

I'm working tomorrow, after having put in overtime all week already. York II is working on Sunday. Tonight he has a rotary club type thing with his students. Then he might actually drive out to the city to see his best friend Roland*, whom he hasn't seen since we hooked up.

Whatever happened to taking me with him to introduce me to Roland, like he said two weeks ago?!!!

I guess he realizes he has a life outside of me. Hello, abandonment issues!

Once again, as if i'm nobody unless i'm someone's girl. *sigh*

I could distract myself by going over to see my brother and nephew, but the prospect of working tomorrow with my very difficult district supervisor is putting a damper on any desire to socialize (excuses, excuses.)

And so i stay home and drink instead.

Both my one-on-one therapist and group session therapist say that, to find out who i really am, i need to try different activities to discern what i like and dislike. Then i won't repeat over and over the pattern of revolving around the guy i happen to be with.

What i like is having a guy to talk to while getting drunk. Can't see past that for now. Not gonna happen, and not very healthy, i see. Meanwhile, October is just around the corner, and what am i gonna do with those Chicago tickets??!!! (*Panic*)

(The name on everybody's lips is gonna be... Roxie!)

York II doesn't like musicals. (What?!) He prefers opera. : ( (Figaro Figaro Figaro...)

I'm about 30 pages from finishing John Irving's The Water Method Man, which i borrowed from JD. I'm sure he's not missing it, but i'd like to finish it before the end of the month so i can mail it back to him, in case he really moves like he said. Aarrgghhhhh!!!... It's, like, a week from the end of the month!

Is there a point, or theme, to this entry, you wonder? I'm afraid not.


*Not his real name