Lost and Found 2

My relationship with food has changed.

I've been reading this book Food: the Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold. As soon as I read an article about it I knew I had to read it. The rest of the title is How to Stop Using Food to Control Your Feelings.

Bottom line: it's about Emotional Eating. It's the most neglected eating disorder in existence. I identify right away.

Food has been a friend and a foe for so long and yet I've never really thought I could do anything about how it affects me. When I go through what I call a phase (I yo-yo but differently than most binge eaters), I just ride, knowing that it won't be forever.

In my adulthood, between my all-time high and all-time low in weight, there is just a hair short of 40 pounds. I've been close to a size 8 and a size 0.

Now, i know, a white woman would be like, "Oh, shut up, you tiny Asian!"

But it is the equivalent of struggling between a size 16 and a size 8. It is not insignificant. Same spectrum.

And all the while I was wearing the same size bra. It's been as loose as floating on me and as snug as flattening with spillage. Now that's denial.

The book has allowed me to see food in a different light. A concept as simple as not labeling food as "good" or "bad" has been a miracle.

Now, i've known i turn to food for comfort since about age 9. That's like a no-brainer. But to address it, and not fearing addressing it. Wow.

It's been a short journey yet, but already i'm hopeful. This morning, for no apparent reason (or so i thought), i was craving dim sum. These days, a craving can turn into anxiety. Should i go get this fix? Where? When? Better start planning NOW! And often one craving generates another and i'm just frazzled and immobilized by a plethora of desires and left with the irony of indecisiveness and powerlessness.

For it's not about the food. It's NEVER about the food.

But not this morning. I asked myself why dim sum. Images popped in my head. Sitting with family around a table. Chili sauce. Good times. I thought of my mother and my brother, neither of whom i see much of given our situation. Dare i say it? I miss them. I felt sad.

As soon as i felt sad, the craving was gone.

My old sarcastic self would've finished with, "Yeah, sadness. That's so much better!"

But really it is better to feel than drown.

The sadness remains. And there is nothing i can do about it. Not in my power. Not without entering a parallel universe. Not that i want to. And it's okay.