And You May Quote Me 64

You know you have a dieting issue if, at any given point in time, you own many pairs of jeans, but only one fits.

Lost and Found 2

My relationship with food has changed.

I've been reading this book Food: the Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold. As soon as I read an article about it I knew I had to read it. The rest of the title is How to Stop Using Food to Control Your Feelings.

Bottom line: it's about Emotional Eating. It's the most neglected eating disorder in existence. I identify right away.

Food has been a friend and a foe for so long and yet I've never really thought I could do anything about how it affects me. When I go through what I call a phase (I yo-yo but differently than most binge eaters), I just ride, knowing that it won't be forever.

In my adulthood, between my all-time high and all-time low in weight, there is just a hair short of 40 pounds. I've been close to a size 8 and a size 0.

Now, i know, a white woman would be like, "Oh, shut up, you tiny Asian!"

But it is the equivalent of struggling between a size 16 and a size 8. It is not insignificant. Same spectrum.

And all the while I was wearing the same size bra. It's been as loose as floating on me and as snug as flattening with spillage. Now that's denial.

The book has allowed me to see food in a different light. A concept as simple as not labeling food as "good" or "bad" has been a miracle.

Now, i've known i turn to food for comfort since about age 9. That's like a no-brainer. But to address it, and not fearing addressing it. Wow.

It's been a short journey yet, but already i'm hopeful. This morning, for no apparent reason (or so i thought), i was craving dim sum. These days, a craving can turn into anxiety. Should i go get this fix? Where? When? Better start planning NOW! And often one craving generates another and i'm just frazzled and immobilized by a plethora of desires and left with the irony of indecisiveness and powerlessness.

For it's not about the food. It's NEVER about the food.

But not this morning. I asked myself why dim sum. Images popped in my head. Sitting with family around a table. Chili sauce. Good times. I thought of my mother and my brother, neither of whom i see much of given our situation. Dare i say it? I miss them. I felt sad.

As soon as i felt sad, the craving was gone.

My old sarcastic self would've finished with, "Yeah, sadness. That's so much better!"

But really it is better to feel than drown.

The sadness remains. And there is nothing i can do about it. Not in my power. Not without entering a parallel universe. Not that i want to. And it's okay.

Cornerstone

Lately i've been craving things that trigger fond childhood memories. "Food that's associated with family," I tell RJ.

Maybe because i don't feel like i have family anymore.

Bivalve Jones 2

I just finished half a dozen of free oysters on the half shell.

Almost didn't want to insert the pronoun there. Didn't want to own it.

They were free giveaways from Shannon, my favorite hostess and friend. She served them on NYE. She didn't eat oysters, so any leftovers would have been thrown away.

"That just breaks my heart!" I told Shannon upon hearing the news, and made a sad face.

At the end of the night there was exactly one box left. It was offered to me for my taking.

Who can pass up free oysters?!

I don't understand. Personally, i would not serve something i don't enjoy eating. (But then there isn't much i won't eat.) Perhaps Shannon regarded oysters as elixir of romance and gaiety, a must-have for such a grand occasion. And she buys from the best fish-monger, The Fish Market. That's when you know you won't have the runs. It's money well-spent.

I polished off those babies this evening after RJ gave me total permission. "My oyster desire is on the low ebb," he said.

As soon as he left for groceries, with Alley as I pleaded, i went at it in haste. I needed to do this alone. It was almost like having an illicit affair. Even the presence of Alley would have diminished the experience.

After i had my way with the molluscs, i ravished the cocktail sauce and grated horseradish, consuming it as if the combination was an hors d'oeurvre all by itself.

When i was done, plastic Solo® containers as well as shells rinsed and disposed of (so the offensive items wouldn't have 4 days before Trash Day to gravely stink up the receptacle), i felt relieved.

I was ashamed of the act. I had felt guilty of the act to start with. And at finish, i was ashamed of the guilt, too.

A distorted sensitivity may have been triggered by an incident yesterday when RJ and i were visiting at W's. Elsie asked if i was still skipping dinner.

"In terms of lunch being my main meal, yes," i responded. "But i snack all day."

RJ chimed in, "She starts from around 11 and basically eats until 5."

We laughed. But i was embarrassed. RJ joshes all the time, and i tease him back. We have a good dynamic going. But this felt like stealth attack. See, i was exposed on two levels: not only am i a glutton, i can afford to pig out extensively only because i don't have a job (and by choice, no less). Besides, food can be an off-limit subject anyway, since it's always been an issue for me. Only since, uh, first grade?

RJ is aware of my struggles but possibly cannot fully comprehend the curse that may go on vacation, but always returns. RJ is pretty guilt-free in that arena. I've envied that freedom.

So i've kind of regressed to eating behind his back. If he doesn't witness it, i'm not really eating all day.

When we went out of town recently on a 4-day trip, the uncertainties of when and what to eat didn't cause anxiety or obsession, much to my surprise. Illogically, in the safe haven of home where i should feel like i have all control over when and what to eat, i obsess. Boy, do i obsess.

Like i always say, some days are worse than others.

Of course, this is an easy one. After all, a Freudian slip is "when you say one thing but mean your mother."*


*possibly my favorite Cheers quote

Disquietude

Sometimes, when a food item is about to expire, I feel relief.

Kiss Me, I'm a Foodie 5

I think my starvation phase has passed after six months. This morning I had hash brown and an Egg McMuffin. I texted JD: I'm on the road to Fatsville! For lunch i actually had refined carbs (*gasp*!) and loved it.

It felt so good to be full. Came 2 p.m., i was still stuffed, but i was itching for munchies. After all, i will attest that eating has nothing to do with hunger.

Damn the newly installed vending machine in the break room!

Wallet in hand, i walked by Derek II to inform him, "I am very tempted to grab a bag of Doritos right now!"

He encouraged me to. Not that i needed much nudging. But his endorsement did obliterate the last shred of guilt.

Delighted, i almost shrieked, "Will you share with meee??"

"Sure!" An enthusiastic Derek gladly accepted.

After i poured half the contents on a paper towel on my desk and handed Derek the bag (almost one gram of fat per chip! Jesus Christ!), Derek looked over to Kato who was hanging out in my office (everyone likes to hang out in my office cuz that's where the party is. LOL!) and announced, "V. is trying to get me fat, Kato!"

To which i responded, "Let's grow fat together!"

Boisterous laughter ensued. When it subsided, i looked over at the guys and posed the question, "Isn't that romantic?" More uncontrollable cackle.

Indeed JD would agree that line would make the best Valentine's card.