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About two weeks ago, one evening RJ caught me reading Why Suicide by Eric Marcus (after I had explained previously - some things don't register), he half-jokingly asked, "Should I be concerned?"

After smirking and remarking that it was probably not the best choice of reading material on one's commute, I reiterated that I was seeking to understand what drives a person like my late grandfather to suicide.

I've been fascinated by the subject for years. Sure, anyone can repeat the notions "the pain is too much" and "just want out", but it is just hard to fathom how desperate one must get to reach that point. Even for those of us who have been severely depressed and have entertained the idea at one point or another. And it was hard for me not to call my grandfather selfish. The hush-hush nature in my family regarding the matter has not helped.

Reading the book has. I am admittedly surprised because while all the statistics are news to me, a lot of things aren't. But somehow hearing the voices of the survivors has bridged some gaps in the process of "making sense" of such a tragedy for me. Hearing the voices of the victims pre-suicide paints a clearer picture of their mentality too. I can say I am not angry at my grandfather (whom I never met) anymore. I wish the stigma wasn't so stifling then as it still is now for my mother and those close to her.

I still have a few chapters left when I happen to have watched a season 5 episode of House titled "Simple Explanation" in the early part of which Kal Penn's character Kutner takes his life.

What?!

I liked Kutner! He was always bubbly and goofy. Optimistic. When challenged for his cheery ways, he once said, "When you came from the worst, things can only get better." He had such a positive outlook on life! He was the youngest of the group. The baby! He was the adorable cool nerd. I liked that he was ethnic and all-American* at the same time. You know, like me.

I know, i know. It's fiction. But still. In the story, of course all his colleagues and family are puzzled while grieving. All the classic reactions to a shock that most of us can easily name. Then there are those natural, nagging questions of "Why?" Why did he do this? Why did no one see it coming? Why would the universe allow this?

I didn't cry. But I was definitely stricken. It even pained me to recall Penn's character Kumar in White Castle. He was SO happy! What went wrong?

Yeah, i know. I was losing it. So I went on IMDB for the actor's proof of life. I needed it.

Turned out that Penn let the writers kill his character off in April 2009 because he was leaving the show for a greater good: work for President Obama.

For real. I read it twice and again to make sure that was a fact. And he hasn't completely left the business. A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas is post-production.

I breathed easier then. I knew suicide was a significant subject to me but, boy, that was excessive.


*For lack of better terms