Lode

Today was one of those days i just woke up grumpy, a fact i hate since it is Saturday. I'm supposed to be happy.

Anhedonia. Sometimes that's how i feel. RJ could tell. He joked that i was getting weary of his charm and boyish good looks. The left corner of my mouth twitched in lieu of a smile.

It started with a conversation with Elsie two days ago. Apparently my mother is still asking her and my brother about me when they chat on their weekly video conference. And the couple have nothing to say because we simply have not been spending time together lately.

My mother assumes i'm alone and lonely.

"She doesn't know you have a beau," explained Elsie. "She never sees you on Skype. How is she to know you're fine?"

First off, alone doesn't mean lonely. I have told my mother time and again. I have friends. I go out with them. I have a life. And certainly having a boyfriend is not a bulletproof status, either. Basically, my mother's agreeing with the general masses: single = pathetic. These assumptions drive me nuts!

Second of all, ten years ago, before voice chat with video became common, we did fine. As if the phone isn't bad enough, what with uncomfortable long pauses and fake laughs, we have to witness each other in this sad act, too?

Third of all, if she doesn't see me and i tell her i'm fine, she can't just take my word for its face value?

Fourth of all, if W and Elsie and i never see each other anymore, is it automatically my fault or responsibility to fix it? If they are so dying to see me, they can certainly come down here, or meet me halfway. Where is that initiative?

And what pisses me off even more is that I know W and Elsie will not go out of their way to see me because, on that end of the spectating spectrum, they assume i don't care to see them since i've got a life companion. Even after months and months of my reaching out attempting to make an arrangement. In those early months, even when we did manage to occasionally meet, it'd be dine-and-run. Then it'd be my turn to round everyone up again. A year went by. I grew tired.

Meanwhile, an entire week of Mother's Day reminders everywhere i looked really annoyed me. I don't feel that way about my mother. Everybody just shut up!

Originally i was gonna go out of my way to head over to W's this afternoon and join them in net conference to wish my mother a happy Mother's Day (she's 15 hours ahead), as dreadful as that visit (everyone glued to the TV or a laptop) and convo would be (It's my mother!). But, the more i thought about it, the more the voice "Fuck it!" grew louder.

I am tired of caring about what everyone else thinks. Yeah, the woman gave birth to me. If this makes me a terrible person, so be it.

My mother has been spending her entire life worrying about what society thinks. I'm not even forty yet and i feel exhausted.

If i said, "Happy Mother's Day!" right now, it'd be an empty wish.