RJ's Specialty 2

RJ makes his famous burgers again.

A wondrous spread

So charred, so good.

I've decided that I do like cheddar; it doesn't always have to be Swiss for this girl anymore.

On onion Kaiser rolls.

Lunch with the Fam 3

Fish tandoori

Garlic naan

RJ Makes Dinner 24

Beer-battered scallops


The batter stuck to the pan and fell mostly apart. But it was delicious.

Eatz 11

Murtabak (spicy beef-filled pastries) with curry dip

Garlic noodles

Garlic herb true cod

Maine lobstah roll

Comfort Food For The Sickie

Omelette with Taiwanese sausage


Congee with Taiwanese sausage, salted duck egg and thousand-year egg

Eatz 10

Veal Pizzaiola


Arrabiata

Alligator on a stick and Cajun stew

About Town 14

Eatz 9

Veal Oscar

Crab cake in Baltimore

Beef carpaccio

Carpaccio with bruschetta

Spring Jubilation

Fly fishin'

About Town 13

Eatz 8

Veal liver and wild mushrooms crostinis

Prosciutto-wrapped monk fish on parsnip purée

Things I'm Going To Miss

As fiery as it gets

Chive flowers

On this certain day, the setting sun hits my jaggy, post-lemonade ice-cube at just the right angle, creating iridescence only short of the aurora.

Fallen Arbor

... and what Alley has to say about it.

Double Downsilog

Spam and bangus (milk fish) on garlic rice. I'm totally in love with this Filipino phenomenon.

Modal

About two weeks ago, one evening RJ caught me reading Why Suicide by Eric Marcus (after I had explained previously - some things don't register), he half-jokingly asked, "Should I be concerned?"

After smirking and remarking that it was probably not the best choice of reading material on one's commute, I reiterated that I was seeking to understand what drives a person like my late grandfather to suicide.

I've been fascinated by the subject for years. Sure, anyone can repeat the notions "the pain is too much" and "just want out", but it is just hard to fathom how desperate one must get to reach that point. Even for those of us who have been severely depressed and have entertained the idea at one point or another. And it was hard for me not to call my grandfather selfish. The hush-hush nature in my family regarding the matter has not helped.

Reading the book has. I am admittedly surprised because while all the statistics are news to me, a lot of things aren't. But somehow hearing the voices of the survivors has bridged some gaps in the process of "making sense" of such a tragedy for me. Hearing the voices of the victims pre-suicide paints a clearer picture of their mentality too. I can say I am not angry at my grandfather (whom I never met) anymore. I wish the stigma wasn't so stifling then as it still is now for my mother and those close to her.

I still have a few chapters left when I happen to have watched a season 5 episode of House titled "Simple Explanation" in the early part of which Kal Penn's character Kutner takes his life.

What?!

I liked Kutner! He was always bubbly and goofy. Optimistic. When challenged for his cheery ways, he once said, "When you came from the worst, things can only get better." He had such a positive outlook on life! He was the youngest of the group. The baby! He was the adorable cool nerd. I liked that he was ethnic and all-American* at the same time. You know, like me.

I know, i know. It's fiction. But still. In the story, of course all his colleagues and family are puzzled while grieving. All the classic reactions to a shock that most of us can easily name. Then there are those natural, nagging questions of "Why?" Why did he do this? Why did no one see it coming? Why would the universe allow this?

I didn't cry. But I was definitely stricken. It even pained me to recall Penn's character Kumar in White Castle. He was SO happy! What went wrong?

Yeah, i know. I was losing it. So I went on IMDB for the actor's proof of life. I needed it.

Turned out that Penn let the writers kill his character off in April 2009 because he was leaving the show for a greater good: work for President Obama.

For real. I read it twice and again to make sure that was a fact. And he hasn't completely left the business. A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas is post-production.

I breathed easier then. I knew suicide was a significant subject to me but, boy, that was excessive.


*For lack of better terms

Jumble 2

To this day i have a hard time remembering "dilapidated" because I learned "depilatory" first.

Homeward Bound

Home births in the U.S. has increased 20% between 2004 and 2008, according to a study at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Home births had been declining from 1990 to 2004, and white women who embrace natural birth account for the recent increase.

Yeah, only white babies are free from the burden of proof of citizenship. Women of any other color would be like:

Rush me to the hospital. Now! I want witnesses. And make that cert long-form!

Ruff

Dropped off Alley at boarding this morning. As soon as we exited the car we heard dozens of dog howling bloody hell. Foreboding.

Upon entering the building, I smelled urine. Before I was able to process the thought, "Oh, great...", Alley crouched down, advent to peeing on the welcome mat. (Quite a statement.) I yelled out of shock. I don't think she actually did it, but later I did spot an employee mopping up the area.

The waiting area was quite chaotic. It felt like no one was in charge. Though, before long, a young woman approached us, smiling as she said hi. Without asking names or anything else, she took the leash off my hand and proceeded to lead Alley back ways. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, so I blindly followed. Alley kept turning around to look at me quizzically. Just as the young woman was gonna disappear with Alley behind closed doors, I asked, "Am I supposed to follow you?"

Just then, a man seemingly out of nowhere who obviously worked there and had a sense of authority about him told me, "No, no. You wait there." And pointed to the waiting area by the entrance.

"I thought I was supposed to get her leash back..." I said.

"You'll get it," said the man, and again gestured me to back off.

I waited along with a few other humans, some with canines. A female employee appeared and asked, "Who's next?"

I absolutely hate when they do that. The customers are supposed to police themselves? We don't know what's going on. I sure as hell didn't. How about a system? How's that for an idea?

The young'un who had ushered Alley away returned then and handed me her leash. "Did you bring her food?" She asked.

I handed over the heavy grocery bag I had prepared the night before and gave instructions on quantity, feeding time and frequency.

She smiled and nodded without taking notes. Another customer was doing the same with another employee. How could they keep track? Kinda like when you're trying to count and someone throws some random numbers at you, messing you up?

Then the girl proceeded to dismiss me. In disbelief, I asked, "That's it? No paperwork?"

"There'll be paperwork when she's picked up," the girl informed me.

I felt traumatized. It was all so abrupt and rushed. I didn't get to say goodbye. And if I felt this way, i could only imagine how Alley felt. I thought I'd get a moment to say something along the lines of "Be good. Don't give these good people a hard time. We'll come and get you before you know it.", you know, to help her feel safe, not abandoned. But perhaps there was nothing I could've done to comfort her. Anything I might've said might have been futile.

I felt like I had gained Alley's trust just to betray it. To think that her last memory of me was my scolding her.

On the drive home, it felt weird that I was able to see in my rear view mirror since Alley's head wasn't blocking it. Her wide-eyed face haunted me.

Back at RJ's, I hung Alley's leash on the wall where it belonged. The house felt so quiet without her panting and the gentle clank of the metallic tags on her collar as she'd move about. On the other hand, i felt incredible peace without her playing shadow ALL the time, monitoring my every move. Oh, a true shepherd that one is.

Dog Day Afternoon

RJ's out of town and I am once again Alley's sole caretaker. In the past occasions, when i'd feel bad about her being cooped up for days, the most i'd do was to walk her in the neighborhood. I'd refrain from taking her to the field, where RJ plays catch with her off leash, due to liability issues. I simply am not strong enough to restrain her. Nor am i fast enough.

Today i felt torn. Walk her? Or drive over to the field to scout it out? Alley has shown aggression lately when she perceives the threat of another dog approaching her ball. Otherwise she's harmless. She's quite a loner actually. I like that about her.

I would walk her to a less popular field (safer bet) even closer to us, but that's been recently riddled with ground squirrel poison.

This Friday I will have to drop Alley off at the boarding place. I figured I might as well get her used to being transported in my car which she'd never been in.

Yeah, that's a good excuse.

Alley couldn't be more excited. She probably remembered no master translated to no car-ride and no playing catch. Good things are better when you're not expecting them.

We got to the field and there was only one other person with two dogs at the far end away from us. Aces! And they soon left too.

I don't throw nearly as well as RJ. I'm a girl. But i try.

Within a minute i attempted a trick RJ had shown me. Whoops! The ball went over the fence into the water tower area.

Gotta get it back! I put a confused Alley back on leash and walked over to find a way in.

There was none. There were two gates. Both were padlocked.

Disappointed, we walked back to the field. Now what?

I stared at the ball which stared right back in contempt.

Damn it, it's right there! I gotta get it back!

I secured poor even more confused Alley and tried climbing over the fence. I got to the top kinda straddling there. And then i was stuck.

Damn these small diamonds of interlocked wires and my fat Ugg boots!

I wasn't sure i could keep my balance to get the other leg over. I could fall. That would make a funny story. Not laughing.

I backed down in dismay.

I released Alley and we just stood there. I fantasized about bribing some schoolboy into retrieving the ball for me for a whopping five bucks. They came after school to practice baseball and more. Only it was midday, and no schoolchildren in sight.

I imagined explaining this to RJ and apologizing, him laughing it off. I envisioned returning days later with RJ. Maybe he could climb over that damned fence.

Just then, a slender young woman walked in with what I guessed was a cocker spaniel. (I'd later find out that he was part that and part golden retriever.) She smiled and said hi. I did the same.

We got to talking. The usual convo between dog peeps who meet by chance, exchanging dog names, age, etc. Turned out both Tesla* and Alley were rescues.

Still, i couldn't take my eyes off the ball on the other side of the fence. The mockery was unbearable. I shared my predicament with this stranger.

"You wanna try again?" She asked. "I'll watch her for you."

"I'm chicken," I said.

"You can do it!" She egged me on.

So i did. And once again, once i got to the top, i couldn't proceed. I looked at my new friend helplessly.

"Just turn around like this," she said, and demonstrated where she stood.

"If only i could jump," i said.

She saw my concern. "If you're afraid, don't do it."

Arrgghhhhh... Fear! Hateful.

Once again i gave up, feeling like a failure.

"I'm not athletic," I told my temporary comrade.

"You think?" A voice in my head said. Another chuckled.

"You want me to try?" My friend volunteered.

"Are you sure?" I responded, overjoyed and touched.

"I can try," she said as she French-braided her light brown hair in a jiffy.

I watched her svelte self go up, weightless. Atop the fence, she was able to find footing easily on the other side in her black ballet flats. And landed effortless and gracefully. I marveled.

She picked up the ball and threw it over the fence.

After she returned and i thanked her profusely (I resorted to clichés such as "You're a saint!" and "God bless you!". I was simply delirious.), we introduced ourselves. Her name was Adriana*.

I'll never forget her.



*Not his real name
*Not her real name

Descension

RJ finds a nestling on the ground out back by the bamboo he planted years ago.

When he brings it in to show me, i grimace, not recognizing what it is at first.

"He's not gonna survive, is he?" I ask.

RJ shakes his head.

I make a sad face.

On close examination, the birdie appears to have a deformity on his neck.

"Something is wrong," says RJ. "It's swollen."

It's more like severe goiter.

The little creature, eyes closed, continues to instinctively gasp, rhythmically extending its neck, hoping for a deposit of food. It's hard to watch.

RJ puts it down to rest under the bamboo in the raised potted area.

"Alley is gonna eat it!" I protest, worried.

"She's not gonna find it," RJ reassures me.

We walk away with heavy feet.

"Can't you see if you may find the nest and put it back?" I ask.

"Its mother probably notices it's not going to make it," muses RJ. "And kicks him out."

It comes as a shock to me. "Really?" I respond. A moment later, i conclude, "I guess that's what animals do, huh?"

Survival of the fittest, i get it. Why feed an ailing mouth when you can make the strong stronger instead? Wouldn't be efficient use of limited resources.

Still the notion chills me. Especially realizing humans are not immune to animal instincts.

By Yours Truly 33

Finally cooked the lobster tails I received on Valentine's. 'Bout time!

Broiled lobstah dipped in buttah for lunch. Not shabby at all!

Like i said, i'm back!!!