Pretty in Pink

Yesterday, after almost two months of inexplicable redness and irritation in my left eye (i'd chalked it up to seasonal allergies), i finally spoke to an advice nurse on the phone. Upon hearing "intermittent sharp pain", she recommended that i go in to see an ophthalmologist.

So i did. After examination, Dr. Bryant* leaned in and theorized that a "viral lesion" on my lower lid had been releasing toxins in my eye, causing the discomfort and unsightliness.

"This is an uncommon condition you simply don't encounter everyday," the good doctor informed me, leaning in some more. He sounded thrilled.

Gees, i'm glad i've made you day?

The consultation would prove that Dr. Bryant had no sense of personal space. He was practically in my face as long as he was speaking. That would make a good SNL skit.

He proceeded to get a second opinion from Dr. Jules** whom he apparently held in high regard. She wasn't available.

"Well, it's a pox," concluded Dr. Bryant. "And the only solution is a biopsy. As long as it's there it will continue to bother your eye."

It seemed drastic. I didn't feel very confident as he never got a peer to concede.

"Normally one's immune system fights it off," explained Dr. Bryant. "Usually we don't see this unless it's someone with a compromised immune system, for example, HIV patients."

Whoa.

"Do you have HIV?" Asked the doctor.

I laughed nervously, "Not that i know of..."

"STD's?" Asked the doctor again.

I hesitated before replying. The doctor spelled it out for me.

I know what the acronym stands for, kumquat!

Funny because when my symptoms first occurred, RJ suggested it could be ocular herpes.

I was overwhelmed at this point, to say the least.

The doctor explained exactly how long i was gonna remain swollen and bruised. I was quite impressed.

"And you will have a gap with missing lashes," he said. "But they'll grow back in a month."

A little deformity i can deal with. Maybe.

Next thing i knew i was signing a consent form for the biopsy.

Before long i realized i was having it right then and there. I was in shock. But i supposed that saved me another visit and another copay. Sigh.

By the time i laid on the table i was freezing. The assistant placed a white blanket on me. Next a white mask with a cut-out for my eye was adhered to my face around the socket. I felt like a corpse.

It was all happening so fast! I was scared. The only two people i wanted to reach out in case i died on the table (i know i'm ridiculous) was RJ and Denisse.

It's always horrifying when someone comes at your eye with foreign objects. And i've been through Lasik! It never gets easier.

The anesthetic needle was terrifying. "How does he know how far to puncture?" I wondered. "What if he pierces my eyeball?!"

It hurt plenty. I couldn't help but twitch. But that was not the worst. The doc then relentlessly massaged the area and pressed down. The humanity!

Antiseptic was applied all around the eye. It seeped in the eye and burned like hell.

The doc started snipping my bump. "Can you feel this?" He inquired.

"No," i wimpily responded, and thought, "Wouldn't it be too late since you've STARTED snipping?!!"

At times his hand would rest on my right eye. You'd think an ophthalmologist would be more considerate of the fact you have two eyes and one of them is fine so please be gentle with it as it may be the only good eye left at the end?

My ailed left eye wouldn't stop tearing. And as long as it did, my right one would, too. They couldn't help but lacrimate together. I was reminded of a couple who commiserate.

"Is it stinging?" Asked Dr. Bryant.

"Hell, yeah, it's fucking stinging!" I thought.

"I can tell cuz you're blinking so much..." Said Dr. Bryant before i made an utterance.

Well then why ask?!!

The assistant relieved me somewhat with eyedrops.

The procedure itself took a lot longer than i had anticipated. It definitely wasn't like Snip, snip - you're done!

And staring into that bright light, having to keep your eyes open... I felt like i was being experimented on by aliens.

They'd send the bit of flesh to the lab to test if it was really a pox. The results would be ready in a few days. But, really. It's been removed. Who cares??

Finally the doctor would wrap it up with a dissoluble suture on the wound.

After the assistant returned with the materials, the doctor announced, "Well, maybe two sutures."

Great.

"We want your lid to heal pretty," continued the doctor.

Oh, OK then.

It was quite surreal seeing this long fine thread being tugged and tied, knowing full well it's penetrating your skin in a very delicate area.

Then the doc's tiny snipper hit the corner of my eye. I made a sound both out of surprise and fear. He apologized.

"You could've poked me blind with that thing!" I screamed in my head.

OK, maybe i can be a drama queen at times. But it was not funny!

Hours after the procedure my eye still stung. The ointment prescribed to me was difficult to apply with precision. I asked RJ to photographically document my pathetic moment and he happily obliged.

In one picture the ointment looked like a tear. Very poetic indeed.


*Not his real name
**Not her real name