And You May Quote Me 4

Is it 7 p.m. yet? I glanced at the clock.

It's only 5:27.

It's self-contradictory. You can't wait for the day to end so you can throw in the towel and declare the misery over (for now). But you don't want tomorrow to come, either.

Quote 19

Me while i hide my head
here in this paper bag
'Cause if i can't see you then
You can't see me

...
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like she's so tough
She says, "hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough."

... I blame these people

- "Paper Bag", Wreck of the Day, Anna Nalick

... And Goodwill Toward Man

Yesterday during Rob's short stay, i was mean to him. Like in kindergarten, to prove a point, you'd push someone in the sandbox.

JF and i chatted with Mimi*, our good friend in the district. JF made her swear not to let on that she had knowledge of the scandal i was involved in. "We'd get in trouble," JF said.

Let me get this straight: So it's OK for to create a scandal, but sinful to share truth?

Not that the truth really matters. Roxy Hart says in Chicago.

York II left me a voicemail last night. "You're a hard one to catch," he mused.

Yeah? But what did he want with me? I am very unmotivated to call back.

I see i've lost faith in the sheer goodness of humankind.

Last Sunday i watched the first episode of Grease: You're the One That I Want!, yet another audition-type reality show. Reality shows are usually not my thing, but this one amazed me.

"Why do you think you should get the part?" The interviewer would ask.

"Because i want it sooo bad!" The aspiring artiste would reply.

What kind of logic is that?

And then rejection comes along and they get all teary-eyed.

"This wasn't just for me," one said on his way out. "I did it for my Mom."

Aww, shucks.

Heed, hopefuls. Your mere ardor does not warrant desired result. That goes for the romance department as well.

Rob probably thought i was breathing life into his miserable existence, the poor sap. But the belief that someone is gonna come along and change your life is a fallacy. You gotta learn:

1) Hope can be crushing.

2) Why your existence is miserable in the first place.

Do something about it, or learn to live with it.

I've dated, gone clubbing, exercised. Just like my therapists said. And now i've accepted being a loner. Everyone is not gonna understand it. But i accept that, too.


*Not her real name

Conniption

This morning, I was so uneasy, even when Matt came in as his chattery self, I could not carry on witty banter as usual.

"I'm just gonna continue talking loudly until someone responds," Matt said, and grinned.

"That's a good strategy," I managed to smile. "I'd go with it."

I was reminded of this girl in one of my business classes last year who could never say "strategy". Instead she would say "tragedy". In my head i'd call her "Dyslexia". "Lexia" for short.

Then there's my late uncle, Phrenia.

And now i've become Noia.

I was having a better day. Rob had called JF even before i came in to work. I thought, Thank goodness i missed it.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. Tomorrow Rob comes back from his midwest excursion. I'm expecting hell.

I had relative peace on this last possible day. That is, until he called in the afternoon, just to ask, "How's the weather?"

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Of course, they again announced the call funny on the PA, stating who the caller was.

JF was out sick by this time. My head was about to explode.

What, Rob thought a day had passed, and everything was cool again? How could we ask others at work to be professional, when he himself wasn't? He'd promised not to call unless it was about work.

You wanna check in? Call me on my cell. You don't use the work line. My family doesn't even call me at work. (Well, they don't call for other reasons as well. But still.) Need to check weather? Log on to weather.com. For Pete's sake.

You wanna touch base as a friend? Call me at home. Better yet, if you really want to be a friend, DON'T call.

All this talk on worrying about my feelings. He does NOT understand the gravity of the situation. He's not here. I'm taking the shit.

Another senior person from District came in this afternoon. He happened to be in my office when JF called to see how things were going. I ran some things by her. I was sweet and loving, as i usually am with her.

I was on the phone for less than 5 minutes, and the chat was 99% about work, and when i hung up, this man, who's usually quiet and harmless, actually asked me who it was.

I told the truth. Paranoia rushed in. Has everybody heard now?

All my life i've hated confrontation. Enough! I'm sick of it. After Mr. Senior Person had left, I called the PA announcer, Remy*, in my office.

I asked if there was any reason he would identify the caller only when it was Rob.

Of course, he denied any malice. But he turned red and intimidated.

Remaining calm and reasonable, I tried to explain my reaction was due to recent snicker, without giving away too much. I scared the shit out of him anyway. He must've felt like a kid in the principal's office. He apologized.

"There's no need to apologize," i said. "I just wanted to be on the same page."

Afterwards, i wondered if i had overreacted, and if it was foolish to let them know i had been stirred. I thought about it, and you know what, i'm glad i spoke up for myself for once. I was upset, and was not afraid to show it. After all, i had the right to be upset.

Of course, tomorrow is another story. Resignation would be sweet.


*Not his real name

Turn, New Leaf, Turn

Time and again, JD half-jokingly fantasizes about moving to a desert island where nobody knows his past.

No, he's not a convicted felon on the run. And I realize a "desert island", by definition, harbors no residents (who may or may not know your past).

But if one was to wind up on a desert island, it would be nice to have cases and cases of rum, à la Pirates of the Caribbean.

I'd probably miss ice, though.

This morning, as i sat in my car in the parking lot at work, dreading to go in, hating everybody inside, i found solace in the thought of starting over in a seaport village.

À la Half Light. Sans the haunted lighthouse.

Yeah, i could dig that. Now i know what's JD has been talking about.

Let's NOT Give 'Em Something To Talk About

The worse has happened at work. I saw it coming.

With Rob always hanging out with me and JF, the boys have been teasing for over a month now. We continued going to lunch and stuff despite the juvenile joshing. Then, last Friday, right before we were gonna go out for drinks after work, JF innocently asked Rob, in public view, on the floor, "What time, Rob?"

I thought, uh oh. And sure enough, all hell broke loose.

Now, i KNOW we have nothing to hide. But that is not the point. I've come to realize guys can gossip like the best of them. Gender is not an issue, it seems. And once a rumor has started, it's near impossible to nip it.

Starting yesterday, the sales force would announce a call from Rob for me stressing on who the caller was. Usually on the PA they don't specify in that regard.

Today, you can actually hear the chuckle by both the announcer AND in the background.

But the mother is that Mildred, our boss, called JF, stating that she had concerns about our store, and that she would come in later.

Given that we could easily go a month, if not more, without having cause for her guest appearance, we scratched our heads. What could the concerns be?!

Later Mildred asked JF if she knew Rob was having a relationship with someone at our branch. I heard JF tell the truth about last Friday. We had one lousy drink. The three of us. We went our separate ways within an hour.

I was fuming. Yes, i left by 6 p.m. and headed straight for my brother's. Do i need an alibi?!

Mildred went on about company policy and how coupledom would result in transferring one of the employees to another location. "I'd hate to lose an [my job title]."

I don't remember seeing that clause in the employee handbook. And you know what, why should i give a shit, cos i'm not dating anyone at work. I DON'T DO THAT!

And what an assumption! Why me?!! JF is female, too.

And why stop at that? I go out with JF all the time. We buy each other sodas in the afternoon. Maybe WE are lovers.

I was just so enraged. I felt so misunderstood. If i thought my boss hated me before, this is certainly not helping - Kelly, Rob's ex, is one of Mildred's best gal pals.

So now everyone thinks i'm the other woman. Great.

This is exactly what i didn't want, cos i was well aware of the ramifications. And BTW, how stupid is it to assume there has to be someone else?

I am not one who craves the spotlight in the first place. The thought that there's talk behind my back didn't sit well with me at all. Plus the fact that my boss didn't confront me. I didn't even get a chance to speak for myself.

I was so upset, I got heartburn. I thought to myself, i'm gonna quit, i never want to see these people again.

It's as if i'm in elementary school again. I encounter some mean kids. I tell Mommy i never want to go back to school. Never ever again.

I try to not let it bother me. After all, i did nothing wrong.

But still i ruminate. I start to think maybe JF was testing me as well. Maybe she couldn't be sure either if there's really nothing going on with me and Rob.

I want to scream, "I'm not even attracted to the guy!"

I wonder if i would feel better or worse if it were true. I can't be sure.

But perhaps this all happened for the best. I've been hurting my pretty little head trying to figure out a way to let Rob down easy, cos i just know he's gonna want to get together again, and i'm just gonna have to turn him down. Now i can chalk it up to killing a scandal.

Quote 18

You gotta find where your home is. The color may be off, and the style's all wrong. But there it is anyway.

- Josephine Floss, Moonlight Mile*


*Disclaimer: I may be paraphrasing