Gobble It Up!

There it is. The world' largest gingerbread house. It's at Mall of America in Minnesota, out of all places.

When i told coworkers i was going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, people frowned and grimaced. Why Minnesota? Who in their right mind would choose to go there? Their reaction suggested.

I got to spend some time with relatives and friends. Family not related by blood who welcomed me in their home anyway, and showed me a good time. The next day I got to take a cab, feeling all city-girly (in California, it'd be called "tourist without a rental"), and i actually had a lively chat with the Nigerian driver.

In addition, i got to explore the night scene of Minneapolis for the first time. It's really a cool place, i have to say. Compared to the hole it was 13 years ago when i visited for the first time, the place has really boomed. You see manifestations of globalization everywhere. Seriously, they did NOT have sushi back then. And i had to be grateful for the "heat wave" they'd been having - during daytime we'd actually hit the 40's.

Best of all, i got to know my cousins a little better as adults. They are really cool people. We had such a good time just goofing and chatting. I actually started to take in the infectious holiday cheer.

Actually, come to think of it, the best aspect was that i didn't have to endure a night of sobriety.

Given, by the day i had to fly back home, i was anxiety-ridden and not there at all.

When i got home, Sweet Jesus, there was a whole bunch of email waiting for me, from people i actually want to hear from, god bless their hearts. Including York II. I guess the holiday spirits of forgiveness and generosity got to him.

I'm glad he wrote. For Lord knows i would've never had closure.

And now i shall indulge in 4 hours of taped TV shows and Netflix films. Life is good.

Midway...

When i blogged about my outting last Friday, i wrote that i'd wondered what Rob might be doing that night.

I hadn't wondered about JD. I thought i knew exactly what he was doing on a Friday night.

Turned out JD is not as predictable as i thought after all. He'd gone out with that girl on a second date. They had a roll in the hay in his SUV.

Well, i'm sure the vehicle was free of dried vegetation, but you know what i mean.

I'd be lying if i said learning this didn't bother me. It's not so much the sex. It's just the knowledge of him trying to make things work with someone else. How could he, when what we had was close to perfect?

Näiveté breeds arrogance. Together they try to outweigh reason on my mental seesaw. Low self-esteem used to be where reason sits. Now it just lurks in the background, waiting for its turn.

After giving JD a ride to the airport at 5 this morning, i started missing him again. I mean, i always miss him to one degree or another, but this could lead to heartache again. I'd told him the previous night that he was my curse. I can't shake him.

I told myself i can't go thru the motions again. I simply cannot handle the turmoil that always follows.

And then he called during his layover in Chicago. Even though i missed the call, that made things better. It made braving the workday with two hours of sleep under my belt worthwhile. I'm that easy.

A Stolen Moment

Today everyone at work was asking if i was ready for my trip to Minnesota. I probably wasn't as psyched as they'd hoped.

"I haven't packed a thing," i lamented in my zombie-esque state.

Course, in my head Lt. Kaffee is stating in court, referring to Pfc. Santiago, "Yet he hadn't called a soul... He hadn't packed a thing..."*

This scene is priceless to JD and me due to Tom Cruise's unique, stylistic acting. I smiled inside.


*A Few Good Men

The Stars Yet Wave

I was watching my previously recorded Law & Order when I had to take a snack break. It happened to be on TV the preface of the NASCAR Nextel Cup in Homestead, Florida.

Some guy sings the national anthem at the event commencement. I didn't know they do that at car racing openings. There was something about the man's voice that so deeply touched me that i was a little choked up. (Actually, hearing The Star-Spangled Banner always gets me a little emotional.)

Must be some poor sap who couldn't make it in show biz, i thought.

Then i stepped out of my kitchen to take a peek. It was Taylor Hicks.

"Do I Make You Proud?" He has descanted.

The answer is a resounding yes, Taylor.

Frontline

Rebecca Traister recently wrote a really empowering article for Glamour (I know, sounds like an oxymoron) on how women should stop obsessing over snatching a man and start enjoying singlehood now.

A friend of Traister in her thirties who's been around the online dating block informs her that all the men who initiate contact with her are in their forties. So their you go. It is true: men want women at least a decade their junior.

I can vouch to that. The online dating scene is slim pickin's these days. In the holiday season, though, I suspect there'll be a lot more exchange between those in a craze to score a date so they'll have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's. Me, i won't hold my breath.

TGIF... Can I Go Now?

Matt was nicer today.

"Gonna party tonight?" He asked.

Planning to go to my online networking thing (aka happy hour with strangers), i replied cheerily, "Kinda! You?"

"I'm gonna clean my house," said Matt. "Well, actually, i'm gonna finish cleaning it."

"I don't start what i can't finish," i responded. "That's a good excuse for never cleaning."

Later, Matt enthusiastically informed us of the Christmas party we're gonna be having this year.

"What about New Year's?" I joyfully inquired. "Are we doing anything?"

"She just likes all the holidays that allow drinking," Matt quipped, addressing JF my coworker, and grinned.

If i didn't have to answer a call right then and there, i would've said:

You think i need an occasion to drink? Think again!

I had to work an hour overtime, so by the time i took off from work i was quite achy and exhausted. I pondered bailing on the happy hour commitment, but i really, really didn't want to drink alone.

As i drove there i felt anything but social.

I ran into the girl i met in group therapy who introduced me to this whole networking thing to begin with. I hadn't been to group since then, so it was kinda awkward. I felt like i was encroaching on her territory. And now she knew it. And from her expression, i could tell she was uneasy too.

But after a few drinks, we chatted like we'd never met before, and neither of us had a psychiatrist.

I had a few laughs; there were some funny people present. But i couldn't help but notice that i had my arms crossed all through the night.

There was this heated debate on whether TiVo or a DVR was better suited for the lifestyle today. Satellite or cable? That's another head-scratcher. Five minutes later, someone pointed out that i'd been "quiet, so [I]must not be into TV".

Haven't you read my profile? I watch two shows. Two. I think my VCR will suffice.

And besides, whatever happened to watching a show at the time it is actually on?

It's true what JD has said. The more we worry about hiding our true selves, the more stupid we come across as. I totally misspoke in more than one instance, and cracked jokes that weren't funny to anyone.

This former DJ in the group had just recently realized that music from the 80's were now "oldies". "That's it," he proclaimed. "We are now officially old."

"Now?" I rhetorically responded in sarcasm. It was as if no one heard me.

It was much easier just talking to Rob one-on-one last Friday. Must be a bipolar alcoholic thing. I wondered what Rob was doing tonight.

I wanted to leave by 8 p.m., but i didn't want to draw attention to myself by being the first one to get up and bid farewell.

To make matters worse, we had to each smile to the videocam and wish someone a happy birthday - someone i had never met. I hate that kind of shit. I can barely do it for someone i do know.

I just really wanted to go home. I almost dashed out, but this guy was in my way. So i went, "Hey, see you at the [i name the event]." He was like, "Oh... i'm not sure..." Chill, dude. I was just being polite.

By the time i got home, because of the hiatus in drinks flow, i was stuck in the purgatory between hunger and nausea. But... nothing that a few sips of wine can't fix.

Who's Your Daddy

My co-departmentee JF has her boombox set on a country station at our office. I wasn't thrilled at first, but i warmed up to it. Before i knew it, i was humming to them honky tonk tunes.

There's this song, "I Loved Her First" by Heartland. I could barely hear the lyrics from where i sat, but what i could make out i liked. They were quite touching.

I was enough for her not too long ago...
And she still means the world to me...
A place in my heart will always be hers...

I finally downloaded the song tonight. As i listened to it in its entirety, i realized it's not about letting go of an ex-lover at all. Rather, it's a father's hymn to his daughter. The realization made me feel like a dirty perv.

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me...
... It's still hard to give her away

I'm reminded of "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle from ten years ago. Impactful stuff.

My Dad really liked JD. During one of my visits when i was dating JD, my Dad shared that he had envisioned walking me down the aisle, many times.

I was all choked up.

It may never happen, Dad.

I put the song on repeat play. I'm moved to tears. Except i can't cry. Thanks to these mood stabilizers i'm on. It's like being emotionally constipated. Well, at least i can stop taking those pills at any time. For some, there's no laxative.