The Big Terrible Thing

I've been reading Matthew Perry's memoir, and it's been affecting me more profoundly than I would have imagined. I become very emotional at times, so much so that I've wanted to drink to alleviate the pain I so relate to and feel deeply.

It is very curious, this trigger. I haven't exactly struggled with the temptation that is drinking since I became "clean" on Jan 22 this year.

But on Dec 22, exactly 11 months since striving relatively free of demons, I did slip up and have a multi-beverage night. I had been having major anxiety at work, having shitty feelings about life in general. So I gave in. It was days and days of shitty feelings leading up to it. The next morning, I had a terrible hangover which lasted till 3:30 p.m. Just like the old days. I had forgotten how terrible hangovers were.

The light research I've done on addiction has piqued my interest even more. Some older notions are being challenged these days apparently, such as an "addictive personality". Also, addiction is a spectrum, like many other things. This is news to me and very eye-opening.

Matthew Perry's dis-ease, as he called it, was way, way on one end of the spectrum. To learn all about his difficult journey is gut-wrenching, all the more so since he has died in October this year. All hope is now lost.

The book was published in 2022. He seemed to be doing so well. And then a year later: dead.

I've heard someone recommend the audible book version of his memoir as Perry had done the reading himself. I can imagine: his story, his delivery, brutal honesty with humor - that would be killer. "Just like listening to a friend," that blogger had said. I couldn't bring myself to listen to his voice now. Not this story. That would be too heartbreaking.

I think about how charming he was as Chandler on Friends, not in a contrived, I-know-I-am-awesome way, but with a vulnerability that was very endearing. RJ had this endearing quality when we met (and still does), and I married him.

A lot of people have posted about Perry since his unexpected demise which occurred only a couple of months after his 54th birthday. Almost every one of those posts has made me tear up. There's just something about how he's hidden his pain all his life, how alone he's felt, that really resonates.

He writes that he could be fine all day, but going to bed alone terrified him. That was totally me! He drank himself to a stupor so he didn't have to ponder this loneliness. Me! Leave him alone in an apartment in front of the TV at night, and the devil that is alcoholism moves in fast. This gal! 'Cept for me it was the computer monitor.

And after a while you choose to be alone to hide the shame and guilt that comes with drinking, and the need to drink. And that leads to more loneliness, which leads to more drinking.

I never planned to drink nightly for 18 fucking years. It's unbelievable.

And when I read Perry's memoir, it's believable. It makes me remember. He hits the nail on the head.

I am lucky it did not take as much effort and peril before I turned back. Stepped away from the sinking ship. Took long enough, though.

When we are suffering and we believe we are suffering alone (as often is the case with humans), much harmful behavior can arise (toward ourselves as well as others).

Every once in a while I miss oblivion - the state of bliss of not caring and not hurting which alcohol helped ascending to (or winding down to). But now I know that is not a solution. When you sober up, your problems are waiting for you.

These days I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. Not ruining my life, but I can't function without the daily intake. 

Cue the best Bond movie title, The World is Too Much. To me, the world is always a bit overwhelming. People are. Got to ease the central nervous system and attempt at a semblance of euphoria somehow.

There are worse things to get hooked on. Hell, even Perry put his foot down and wouldn't touch heroin.

This said, I am going to study addiction for a while. Mighty intriguing.

If only more of us could be enlightened and okay on our own and didn't need any damned mind-altering agents to get through the day! 

Perry believed in God and the afterlife. I don't. But if his consciousness remained in existence in one form or another, he'd be pleased to know that his book continues to help people obtain insight and likely will for a long time. In this sense, he is immortal. And he doesn't have to wonder about his worth any longer. He is, indeed, more than enough.

And You May Quote Me 67

Between the minerality of blood and the je ne sais quoi of phlegm, I thought I'd tasted oyster.

The Upside of Anger

I have said in the past that anger is my least favorite emotion.

There's cultural influence too. We've been conditioned to regard anger as a negative emotion not to indulge in. 

It's like if you get angry, you're a bad person.

I've certainly been trained to think this.

In the past two years I have sought to understand anger so that it does not rule or ruin me.

It is very human to feel angry. All emotions serve a purpose. You will find that, as evolution has it, all comes back to survival. Instead of labeling an emotion "positive" or "negative", it is more helpful to understand each emotion's purpose.

It seems that in my case anger tends to fester to protect my psyche from having to deal with other, more difficult emotions, such as fear.

Once I realize this, it becomes a daily exercise to hit pause when anger wells up, to take a breather and examine what the underlying emotion is. Sometimes it's sadness that anger is masking.

The underlying emotions may not be obvious at first. Words like "injustice" or "helplessness" or "unappreciated" may come to mind. Dig deeper, and you'll get to what's under those.

Why does rejection feel like such a big deal? Because in ancient times, being shunned by your clan literally meant death.

Once you get to that next level of emotions, you'll often find that they are all about survival. That's how we are programmed. When we see that, we can forgive our brains.

Suppressing or ignoring anger definitely does NOT work. It will just resurface with a vengeance, adding resentment to the mix. "Venting" may seem to help at first glance. But there is a high likelihood of leading to more violent manifestations since the deep-seated anger has not dissipated. If anything, it's been given permission to escalate. Instead, if we acknowledge the emotions hidden behind anger, like magic, anger instantly cools off and loses its potency.

That "A-ha!" moment can be transformative.

A bonus is I find myself more mindful of when I have taken, or am about to take my frustration out on someone. When we do this, it's usually with someone close. Yes, it's those closest to us we hurt the most, because who else have we got? Thus it is critical to know oneself, to know where that anger is stemming from, and not attribute this emotion to an unrightful source.

My relationship with anger has changed. Not to say I never seethe and become blind with rage. But with practice I'm able to pull back and observe before the pesky amygdala goes berserk on me. Or, if I do go overboard, I can regroup after the fact and gain some insight, and hopefully do better next time. Sometimes there is a comic effect when I notice how absurd the whole thing is.

Oh, the human condition. Gotta luv it.

Throes 2

When I was working at the startup Rumble* 10 years ago, Moiselle** the CEO was my mentor. As I mentioned then, 2 decades my junior, she was driven and brilliant. Time would prove that she was meant to thrive professionally. She went on to make national news, interviewed by various magazines.

I think about this moment often:

On my fist day of training, I posited a difficult scenario which had no obvious solution, and asked Moiselle what one was to do.

"You figure it out," she replied, after pausing for only a second. 

She had this look on her face that I would never forget which is hard to describe.

Years later, I would realize that you are hired to solve problems. Your value as an employee lays herein. Entrepreneurs solve BIG problems. The bigger the problems you solve, the larger the monetary reward.

This is a novel idea, to say the least, to someone who is in the habit of running away from problems as long as she can remember.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. On our weekly conference call with the 'rents, my brother W told this story of how every country has its own tax laws which may seem very convoluted to an outsider. For instance, even as close as Canada: W apparently has had coworkers explain the ins and outs to him, and (as intelligent as W is) the details are over his head, he reports.

I was all too eager to agree. My current colleague and friend JL and myself have mused time and again: "Home is where you know how to pay your power and water bill, and taxes." Learning these skills all over if one moves to a new country (or even just another state) elicits immediate pain and aversion.

As I made this statement on this day, W jovially conferred, "No, I mean, it may take a while - 6 months tops, perhaps, but I'll figure it out."

There it was, the exact phrase edged in my brain, courtesy Moiselle, from 10 years ago.

In awe and wonderment, I thought to myself, "Indeed, this is the difference between a successful person and one who's not - the mindset."

*Not its real name
**Not her real name

Chiaroscuro 2

Can't believe that it's been a year and a half since I last blogged. Certainly was not my intention.

In my soi disant content research I started to feel many things weren't worthy to write about, especially when I knew so little.

Only yesterday I opened my folder to see what subjects I had touched upon, roughly in this order:

Body language
Deception
Boredom, burnout, depression
Evoluntionary necessity of laughter
Anger
Self-esteem
Compassion
Self-compassion
Mental well-being
Emotional intelligence
Purpose
Stress management
Zen
Mindfulness
Interbeing
Grief
Anxiety
Anger

Yes, anger did appear twice.

As a result of this unintended 1.5-year, ongoing research, overall I have learned some tools to deal with unhelpful thoughts. I have learned that feelings are not "good" or "bad", that brushing away pain does not heal it.

As a result, I have stopped abusing alcohol for about 10 months now. I saw a therapist again this spring and summer, after a 15-year hiatus. Back in the day, as soon as healthcare professionals learned of my drinking habit, that was all they would focus on. This year, by contrast, my therapist actually agreed with me that the problem is in your mind (not to downplay addiction as a powerful thing). When my thinking changed, I didn't need the crutch anymore. And that's the keyword: you may "want" to drink, but you don't "need" it.

And this was something that I had always believed in. (I'm aware a lot of addicts swear they can stop.) I believe I can have control in how much to drink, if I choose to drink (as I did when I was young, when my mind was in a good place). Unlike the traditional all-or-nothing mantra with the likes of AA where you can never touch a drop again. Yes, I believed in my will power.

And turned out I was right.

So that's something.

Quote 302

 Vengeance is a distorted cry for empathy.

- Marshall B. Rosenberg