The Big Terrible Thing

I've been reading Matthew Perry's memoir, and it's been affecting me more profoundly than I would have imagined. I become very emotional at times, so much so that I've wanted to drink to alleviate the pain I so relate to and feel deeply.

It is very curious, this trigger. I haven't exactly struggled with the temptation that is drinking since I became "clean" on Jan 22 this year.

But on Dec 22, exactly 11 months since striving relatively free of demons, I did slip up and have a multi-beverage night. I had been having major anxiety at work, having shitty feelings about life in general. So I gave in. It was days and days of shitty feelings leading up to it. The next morning, I had a terrible hangover which lasted till 3:30 p.m. Just like the old days. I had forgotten how terrible hangovers were.

The light research I've done on addiction has piqued my interest even more. Some older notions are being challenged these days apparently, such as an "addictive personality". Also, addiction is a spectrum, like many other things. This is news to me and very eye-opening.

Matthew Perry's dis-ease, as he called it, was way, way on one end of the spectrum. To learn all about his difficult journey is gut-wrenching, all the more so since he has died in October this year. All hope is now lost.

The book was published in 2022. He seemed to be doing so well. And then a year later: dead.

I've heard someone recommend the audible book version of his memoir as Perry had done the reading himself. I can imagine: his story, his delivery, brutal honesty with humor - that would be killer. "Just like listening to a friend," that blogger had said. I couldn't bring myself to listen to his voice now. Not this story. That would be too heartbreaking.

I think about how charming he was as Chandler on Friends, not in a contrived, I-know-I-am-awesome way, but with a vulnerability that was very endearing. RJ had this endearing quality when we met (and still does), and I married him.

A lot of people have posted about Perry since his unexpected demise which occurred only a couple of months after his 54th birthday. Almost every one of those posts has made me tear up. There's just something about how he's hidden his pain all his life, how alone he's felt, that really resonates.

He writes that he could be fine all day, but going to bed alone terrified him. That was totally me! He drank himself to a stupor so he didn't have to ponder this loneliness. Me! Leave him alone in an apartment in front of the TV at night, and the devil that is alcoholism moves in fast. This gal! 'Cept for me it was the computer monitor.

And after a while you choose to be alone to hide the shame and guilt that comes with drinking, and the need to drink. And that leads to more loneliness, which leads to more drinking.

I never planned to drink nightly for 18 fucking years. It's unbelievable.

And when I read Perry's memoir, it's believable. It makes me remember. He hits the nail on the head.

I am lucky it did not take as much effort and peril before I turned back. Stepped away from the sinking ship. Took long enough, though.

When we are suffering and we believe we are suffering alone (as often is the case with humans), much harmful behavior can arise (toward ourselves as well as others).

Every once in a while I miss oblivion - the state of bliss of not caring and not hurting which alcohol helped ascending to (or winding down to). But now I know that is not a solution. When you sober up, your problems are waiting for you.

These days I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. Not ruining my life, but I can't function without the daily intake. 

Cue the best Bond movie title, The World is Too Much. To me, the world is always a bit overwhelming. People are. Got to ease the central nervous system and attempt at a semblance of euphoria somehow.

There are worse things to get hooked on. Hell, even Perry put his foot down and wouldn't touch heroin.

This said, I am going to study addiction for a while. Mighty intriguing.

If only more of us could be enlightened and okay on our own and didn't need any damned mind-altering agents to get through the day! 

Perry believed in God and the afterlife. I don't. But if his consciousness remained in existence in one form or another, he'd be pleased to know that his book continues to help people obtain insight and likely will for a long time. In this sense, he is immortal. And he doesn't have to wonder about his worth any longer. He is, indeed, more than enough.