Chiaroscuro 2

Can't believe that it's been a year and a half since I last blogged. Certainly was not my intention.

In my soi disant content research I started to feel many things weren't worthy to write about, especially when I knew so little.

Only yesterday I opened my folder to see what subjects I had touched upon, roughly in this order:

Body language
Deception
Boredom, burnout, depression
Evoluntionary necessity of laughter
Anger
Self-esteem
Compassion
Self-compassion
Mental well-being
Emotional intelligence
Purpose
Stress management
Zen
Mindfulness
Interbeing
Grief
Anxiety
Anger

Yes, anger did appear twice.

As a result of this unintended 1.5-year, ongoing research, overall I have learned some tools to deal with unhelpful thoughts. I have learned that feelings are not "good" or "bad", that brushing away pain does not heal it.

As a result, I have stopped abusing alcohol for about 10 months now. I saw a therapist again this spring and summer, after a 15-year hiatus. Back in the day, as soon as healthcare professionals learned of my drinking habit, that was all they would focus on. This year, by contrast, my therapist actually agreed with me that the problem is in your mind (not to downplay addiction as a powerful thing). When my thinking changed, I didn't need the crutch anymore. And that's the keyword: you may "want" to drink, but you don't "need" it.

And this was something that I had always believed in. (I'm aware a lot of addicts swear they can stop.) I believe I can have control in how much to drink, if I choose to drink (as I did when I was young, when my mind was in a good place). Unlike the traditional all-or-nothing mantra with the likes of AA where you can never touch a drop again. Yes, I believed in my will power.

And turned out I was right.

So that's something.