Depression Redux Redux

I could've titled this "Depression Redux 2", but this is funnier.

My mother finally writes back after over a week. She explains that she's been busy studying her stocks. I don't even know what that means. But it's typical that i don't come first.

She has more questions, most of which start with "Why". All these why's are overwhelming. I am so sick of explaining myself. That's how i've felt with her all my life. I explain, and explain, and explain. And still she doesn't get me. You'd think close to four decades of explaining would finally do it. I don't see why either of us should keep this up. We're very different people. If we weren't related, we wouldn't be friends. I am just... so... tired.

I buy myself some time by projecting that i won't be home a lot in the next few days, and ask to be given till Thursday. She cheerfully replies, "Fine as long as you have explained why [you're gonna be busy]." There it is again, "explaining". I feel defenseless.

To aggravate matters, there is a good chance my parents will be visiting in June. The logistics of it all and the mounting fear is paralyzing.

I sink into depression.

The day is long when i can't get out of the house. Running out of things to kill time with.

In the last hour, I've considered replying to my mother and getting it over with. But that would require rereading her emails. That alone is dreadful.

I tell RJ my mother's emails are poison that kills me slowly.

So i watch an episode of House instead. Very behind since my VCR broke about three years ago. Yeah, i know, i can be such a dinosaur.

No clever anecdote today. I'm all out.