Blitzen

Definitely battling a case of the blues this evening.

I feel that I haven't posted anything of significance in a long time. I don't feel connected to all my senses all the time. As told to Denisse earlier, I feel as if I have surrendered autonomy. Or lost a sense of it.

It's a classic case of spiraling down. First i received news of the fam not gonna be in town for Christmas. They won't return till late Sunday. Then Monday morning RJ and i are leaving town.

Hate the thought of missing the boys' present-opening.

Then there's the logistics of getting the presents to them before their departure. It's gonna be raining all week. My confidence in driving has been diminishing to say the least. My eyesight has been going and last week i finally succumbed and had glasses made. They may not be ready by Christmas.

It's all wrong.

I feel more disjunct than ever.

Some days are harder than others. I've just proven that scoring two pairs of Ugg boots online at a discount of 33% and 28% respectively does NOT buy you happiness.

Denisse has been expressing concerns of loneliness during the glitzy season, too. Since my mother has been going back to school to perfect her conversational Mandarin and English, i don't hear from her much anymore. Used to be: i see an email from her, i cringe, "What now?"

Just can't please me, i guess.

Then there's the fam. My bro and Elsie don't seem to even reply to emails anymore.

I know for a fact W is swamped at work, juggling the demanding job and family, and Elsie is running around for the boys like a headless chicken, seldom having a moment to herself. I swear it's a miracle the woman has not completely lost her mind.

Last week, when i had a few hours to spend with her (and then blessed with a short while with AC), she appeared quite frazzled at times. She couldn't retain a train of thought. She was all over the place. 3 minutes after we had arrived at her home after having picked up AC, i asked, "Did you want to leave the garage door open?"

No, she hadn't intended so. So unlike her. The previous week she'd entered the house, forgetting to disarm the alarm system until the last minute, screaming for AC to get out of her way.

I told her later i'd never seen her as busy as now.

"Things are more hectic now than when i had a full time job!" She exclaimed. I believed her. It was evident.

For months (more like close to a year) i've lamented about how many activities she's enrolled the boys in. Tae Kwon Do/Little Gym, piano, swimming, Chinese school... Due to their tight (impossible) schedule i don't even attempt to set up lunch with them anymore. I know she means well - she is doing her best to enrich their lives. But how about a little breather now and then, a little play time? You know, so they can be kids?

On this day Elsie confided in me that recently OC's developmental delay has gotten under her skin.

"One night, i was talking to W about it, and i started to bawl," Elsie confessed. "I had cornered myself in a bad place, repeatedly questioning, 'What have i done wrong?'"

Compassion washed over me. On the outside, Elsie has it easy. A big house, the husband works, relatively financially secure. All the dinner parties she throws for us, all the merriment, booze passed around, disposable tablecloth, toss things in the dishwasher at the end. No worries, ay? Wrong. Worries come with being human. She is not much different than you and me. I didn't know the weight on her shoulders. I was not to judge.

"You know it's perfectly natural to blame oneself in this situation," i offered.

She seemed to have overcome the worst moment. Thus far.

Elsie has never been a girly girl. She's as no-frill and sensible as they come. She takes after her mother, God bless her soul.

I never once considered that Elsie, too, would break down and cry because she, too, would feel powerless and in despair at times.

Just like me.

For that i am grateful. And i'm glad they're taking this trip, and turning Christmas upside down.