Dear Diary 4

Aug 13, 2010

Met up with some old schoolmates tonight, one of whom i hadn't seen since age 15. Thought i was never gonna see her again.

A party of five, and all but myself are married, one with children. The topic of childbearing and age-related higher-risk pregnancy came up.

IN, one of my oldest friends (we met in fifth grade), someone for whom i have tremendous admiration and respect, someone who stuck by me when i treated her like dirt, a dearer friend than i deserve, mused after admitting that she really wants children even though her husband blatantly objects the very idea:

I truly believe that no life is perfect. Take me: besides childlessness, I have more than I may have ever imagined. If the cosmos bless me with such abundance and reserves one item, I couldn't ask for more.

Such wisdom greatly moved me. What grace and insight! Many tend to focus on regrets and wishes instead of what we already have at our disposal.

At that moment, RJ came to mind. I was overcome. I've often said i am hardwired to be sad. At any given moment (when I'm sober), there's that great sense of loss AND being lost - to the extent that without having a concrete thought, I can become near tears for seemingly no apparent reasons. A while back i arrived at a point where i didn't want to investigate that sadness anymore. I just drowned it.

Tonight i thought, even if that profound sadness is to remain a nameless mystery, i have the invaluable gift of RJ's love. All that sadness may not instantly melt away, but what has been lost i can leave behind.