Dear Diary 2

Sometimes i turn on Task Manager just to see the ever-changing numbers... and i get in a trance.

My near-obsolete desktop computer was low in cache to begin with when it was built on a low budget 5 years ago, and even with the RAM add-on's thru the years, it gets pathetically slow.

All this language would elude York II and my trainer JF alike.

I am so misunderstood!!! Lordie Lord Lord!

Dear Diary

For two years now, dating means not having to be alone on Friday night. Newsflash: Not necessarily.

For three weeks now, there've been moments when i've felt resentful toward York II because i can't drink to my heart's content around him. Not since that second date.

There's this dive bar JD and i used to go to once in a while. There i discovered this drink with Midori, vodka and pineapple juice. After weeks of wine lately, it's nice to get a taste of hard liquor again (especially nice on an empty stomach!) It might just become my comfort drink.

I'm working tomorrow, after having put in overtime all week already. York II is working on Sunday. Tonight he has a rotary club type thing with his students. Then he might actually drive out to the city to see his best friend Roland*, whom he hasn't seen since we hooked up.

Whatever happened to taking me with him to introduce me to Roland, like he said two weeks ago?!!!

I guess he realizes he has a life outside of me. Hello, abandonment issues!

Once again, as if i'm nobody unless i'm someone's girl. *sigh*

I could distract myself by going over to see my brother and nephew, but the prospect of working tomorrow with my very difficult district supervisor is putting a damper on any desire to socialize (excuses, excuses.)

And so i stay home and drink instead.

Both my one-on-one therapist and group session therapist say that, to find out who i really am, i need to try different activities to discern what i like and dislike. Then i won't repeat over and over the pattern of revolving around the guy i happen to be with.

What i like is having a guy to talk to while getting drunk. Can't see past that for now. Not gonna happen, and not very healthy, i see. Meanwhile, October is just around the corner, and what am i gonna do with those Chicago tickets??!!! (*Panic*)

(The name on everybody's lips is gonna be... Roxie!)

York II doesn't like musicals. (What?!) He prefers opera. : ( (Figaro Figaro Figaro...)

I'm about 30 pages from finishing John Irving's The Water Method Man, which i borrowed from JD. I'm sure he's not missing it, but i'd like to finish it before the end of the month so i can mail it back to him, in case he really moves like he said. Aarrgghhhhh!!!... It's, like, a week from the end of the month!

Is there a point, or theme, to this entry, you wonder? I'm afraid not.


*Not his real name

An Analogy 2

I've had food issues since prepubescence.

Whenever i'm nibbling on something that has pieces that are prone to fall off (e.g. pizza) and/or sauce that drips (e.g. chili burger), i get anxious about containing the mess.

I'll keep eyeing the things on the loose, and can't rest until i scoop them up, instead of concentrating on the main item presently in my grasp, and tasting what's already in my mouth.

That's how i live. I constantly keep an eye on the little imperfections, the things that are not in my hands, instead of focusing on what i do have, and savoring it.

Now i consciously let the damned pieces fall, and enjoy my meal better. Well, i still scoop them up at the end. But it's a start.

Idle tete-a-tete 3

I started a new therapy group today. I desperately needed support, as i'd started reeling.

I read my horoscope just now. I hadn't read my horoscope since high school. Before you roll your eyes, note that astrology used to be considered a science, and was very intertwined with astronomy. (I'm too tired to defend it right now. Let's just say we'll keep an open mind.)

It said: "You may be concerned today with repairing something that has broken down."

Yeah, that thing that has broken down is I.

I'm Just Saying...

I'm my site's 666th visitor. How appropriate.

Psychotic? Who, Me?

York II wanted to come over tonight. When i saw the email, i thought it was really sweet. Talk about a delayed response. Five minutes after i texted him with an implied yes, i started to panick.

I had just ordered Maui Zaui from Round Table. He hates pineapple on pizza.

After giving the dusty and mildewy spots around the house a once-over, anxiety set in. I just sat there. I didn't know what to do next.

What if he wants to make out? I'm not sure i'm ready to do that in my house with a new guy. I had just taken a shower. I would hate to sweat.

He'll probably notice my big box of BevMo stock and be curious, to say the least. Try to explain that one. I don't exactly have a mini bar.

Not to mention i have a mild case of cold sores coming on (i'm really prone to them due to a slew of conditions too boring to explore at this juncture.) I had pasta for lunch and pizza for dinner. My house smells like ham instead of perfume. I'm not feeling the least bit sexy.

And so i continued sitting. What do i do? What do i do? What do i normally do? Ha! "Normal"! What a joke!

Normally i'd be sitting at my computer, sipping on drinks, until it's time to go to bed.

He had to go to H&R Block first. He forgot his check book, then he forgot his wallet. So he had to keep going back home to retrieve stuff. The clock kept on ticking. Ah, shit, so i won't get to drink tonight? He knows i like to drink, but on a weeknight? No sober person would understand that and take it in stride.

I said, "Maybe it's a sign that tonight's not the night."

I could tell the disappointment in his voice, but he agreed it was getting late.

"Maybe tomorrow night would be a better night," he suggested.

I replied that tomorrow was therapy night, and on therapy night i have dinner with my brother.

He retreated in defeat. I felt bad, so i said Wednesday maybe. He said Wednesday would probably work.

Seeing another easy out, i added, "Don't worry if you can't make it Wednesday night."

I feel ginormously relieved as i screwed open a bottle of plum wine and poured it over ice.

Yeah... i'm probably not in the most emotionally or mentally healthy state. You think?

Quote 15

Lord i feel so small sometimes
In this big old place
And i know there's more important things
But don't forget to remember me.

- Carrie Underwood