Rorschach

Yesterday I finished reading "Out There" by Kate Folk. It is a brilliant piece of satire/sci-fi/fantasy, in such a matter-of-fact tone, it is convincing and intriguing and relatable all at once.

(I was convinced that the author was a Brit attempting to pass off as a San Franciscan as she used words like "ticked" (as opposed to "checked", as in checking things off a list), and "alight". But, no, born and raised in the U.S.)

The part that was a punch in the gut for me was the excursion the narrator goes on with Sam, the man she's fallen into a routine with for 3 months, but not exactly in love with. "Without distraction", she writes, and suddenly spending so much time together, forges the reality that they do not have much in common, their conversations superficial. Before the trip is over, she has decided the relationship (or non-relationship) is over.

So. Much. My trip with Taylor that killed us.

We were only 1 month in. I have always thought that the weekend getaway was premature and therefore destined to devastate. Now I am not so sure. Maybe even if we would have waited, we were doomed.

I thought I was madly in love with Taylor. But it is possible I was only in love with an idea of him, and what he brought to the table.

Maybe it would have been unfair to Taylor. 

We had our routine, too. Or so I thought. And in the end, it was not what he'd wanted.

When I was single and spending a bit of time online dating, it occurred to me from early on that (hetero) men tended to be all about "How are you going to fit in my life?" They have a certain lifestyle, a routine developed over time, and they are not about to change anything. It was almost like women had to prove themselves flexible and accommodating enough to be worthy of their time and consideration.

I was reminded of a Modern Love (NYTimes) story I'd recently read, "A Man (and Meals) Worth Losing Sleep Over" by Rebecca Bohanan, which had reminded me of the memoir "Apron Anxiety" by Alyssa Shelasky. Both are accounts of what it is like to date a driven, career-minded chef. Both women have lost themselves in the process of fitting in the crazy schedule that is an ambitious chef's life. Neither chef changed a thing for the women.

After meeting RJ I realize that, when you enjoy and cherish someone's company, the paradigm of both parties' lives will change. 

Kate Folk's protagonist, when mentally prepping for the next guy, drones on about starting over, "We will have eggs on Sunday mornings. We will juice.", imagining a routine on repeat, no matter who the partner.

Actually life will have other plans. My life has changed because of RJ. Some of my preferences have changed. He has done things, gone places, he wouldn't have, if not for me, and vice versa. We don't each get what we want all the time. I don't think of it as compromise. In fact I rather dislike that word. It is just how life works out. A new, organic pattern will form, and evolve. Your lives will never be the same again. And somehow, it all fits.

If it doesn't all fit, it is not worth staying. And definitely not worth mulling over.

I think this is a milestone for me.