Glow

A few weeks back, I watched Rocketman, a biopic about Elton John whose career has spanned decades.

The actor was perfect for the part. The musical-ish segments were a pleasant surprise. Such a delight, I was grinning from ear to ear at one of the numbers.

The psychoanalytical components were classic. Dad never hugged him or showed affection. Mother told him flat out that he was a disappointment. Dad ran off, had a new family, and somehow was able to show affection toward the new sons.

The void and the desperate search for approval and love. The self-abuse, the tumult and agony. Oh, so familiar.

Remember the VH1 series "Where Are They Now?" I used to jeer at how all the stories were similar. One rises to fame. One doesn't know what to do with the attention. One fails to manage one's finances properly. One abuses alcohol and drugs. One falls to ruins.

On one hand, it is humbling to be reminded that the cliché "Money doesn't buy happiness" is but true.

On the other, must they all be doomed to suffer this fate?

(Spoiler alert) I am glad Rocketman was not such a story.

Toward the end (spoiler alert), I was quite moved by the visual of present-day Elton consoling child Elton (before he was Elton) by lowering himself and gently holding the latter. It stunned me because I distinctly recall that was exactly what my therapist had asked me to do. 

I wasn't able to. To this day, I come by a childhood photo of me, and often feel disdain. A lot of adults deemed that child dumb. How could she not be? How could she be worthy?

There was a scene leading up to the happy ending in which (spoiler alert) Elton put his foot down and stood up to his parents. 

"I won't allow you to speak to me this way [with disrespect]," he said.

That was yet another thing my therapist had asked me to do. I couldn't. Real life is complicated. We have a cultural divide to boot.

There will always be a chasm between my parents and me. The anger is gone now. I can be at peace. I can love them, flaws and all, from across the divide.