Marvel

A few months ago I received notification that Taylor had viewed my LinkedIn profile. I was super annoyed.

Why? I asked. He let me go a long time ago. Why bother?

I was reminded of this phrase JD and I used to laugh at in the song "Separate Lives":

You have no right
To ask me how I feel
You have no right
To speak to me so kind

Of course, to speak of entitlement... Too convoluted a subject. Too subjective as well.

I didn't like that I was still allowing this person (or the notion of this person/who he used to be) have power over me.

Truth is Taylor has been a sore spot for years. I have talked to RJ about it. We all have people in our past that haunt us, don't we? They're just... always there.

I really liked me when I was with Taylor. And I really liked us. That high was really difficult to get over. In my mind our time together was like the perfect movie. So many indelible scenes. An illusion, but unsurpassable nonetheless.

Taylor had this luck of having many exes who were obsessed with him and couldn't let go. He had this way of making them feel like the best girl in the world.

The last time I saw him was eight years ago. Seems longer.

Today I receive a note from Taylor via blog comment. He said it was nice that I still thought about him from time to time. And he said that he was dying.

What?! What does one do with that?!! You don't just tell someone you're dying and leave it at that. WTF?

I was in turmoil. So. Many. Questions. Should I ask? How?

"Hug the dog," he said. Did he ever get another dog after Lloyd*? I wondered.

He probably doesn't need to hear from me. But would I not be heartless not to at least try to reach out?

The man is dying, and I am making this about me? Jesus.

Years ago, Taylor was once accused of rape. He would NEVER. I know that all mothers and friends and family of anyone accused of rape (or other crimes) would say this. But I did know him, his core, his mind. He would NEVER.

It was ugly. It changed him. I wanted to know more. The details. Turned out everyone around him wanted to know more. The details.

That might have been the most upset I ever saw him. He said we needed to know the details for us, for gratuitous purposes. He didn't need to retell the story. And thus we were being selfish and inconsiderate.

I have never forgotten those words.

Fast forward to today: Taylor doesn't "have much longer to live". What would I say to him? Do I need to know more, the details, for me? Is it wrong to want to know more?

I texted Taylor at his old number, which turned out not to be his number anymore. Doesn't really surprise me. Must be still escaping stalkers of exes (he moved around and took precautions hiding whereabouts as he had literal stalkers).

Driving home, I pondered, "What would I say?"

I was reminded of the beginning of knowing Taylor. It was such bliss. The sense of being good and part of something good which warmed me to the core and propelled me to love the world as a whole...

And in that instant, I was filled with that love all over again. That greatness of being.

I would say:

Taylor, I have always loved you. And I always will.
Goodbye.



*Not his real name