Sheen

It's been a long time since I've blogged, or written anything "real". I've wanted to, but it's felt like something futile and pointless to do. Times are changing. I don't feel nearly as anonymous or protected behind the computer screen. There's so much hate, the English language has evolved so much, political correctness has been elevated to such heights, I might as well censor every single thing that I have to say. And that would go against the entire notion behind the birth of this blog. Which is why I chose silence.

Besides, not like people read blogs anymore. So, basically, I fear that I won't be read. And at the same time, I fear that I will.

On the evolution of the English language, the other day, I asked RJ, "Is 'awesomesauce' one word?" It is. And why? And who cares?

In addition, my brain feels like molten lava at times. There's so much to get out, but the flow... yikes, it's like in slowmo. And back to the very cynical "What's the point?" I look at the world in general, and the country I live in. I question everything. Why am I here? In every sense of the word "here".

Not that this is new. I've been wondering the meaning of life since about age 9.

Taylor once asked, "Why must life have meaning?" That is a very good question. Why do some of us assume that life has to have meaning? So, yeah, the fact that this may actually be all random, an accident, and by the way, the universe IS going to end, just blows me away.

Denisse might be moving away. She's mentioned recently via text. But to hear her reiterate in person today was something else. The shock sank in quite a bit later.

Denisse moved out here 10 years ago (holy wow, it's been that long!) Today Denisse brought up the cliché that time flies. Yes, it does. My brother W, who is even more morbid than I, if that's possible, would follow that with, "Yeah and soon enough we're gonna die." We'd burst into boisterous laughter while I'd secretly find comfort in the knowledge that, yes, all this misery will end. And soon.

In merely 10 years a LOT of happy memories in my adult life have been thanks to Denisse. With her, I experienced SO much that I never would have otherwise. I more than made up for my boring 20's.

See how 10 years can be "that long" or "merely" depending on the perspective?

It is true we take for granted somebody is going to be around forever. You'd think that I would've learned this by my ripe old age. I forget.

Now, the move is still up in the air. But why put off grieving when you can start now? (Ha, ha.)

I don't do separation well. Never have. And nothing compels me to write like separation anxiety (and the pain and angst that comes with it).

I already do not have a lot of friends or family close by to begin with. Denisse and I, after our partying years, don't hang out as much. That's just part of growing up. But it's always been comforting knowing that she's near. The thought of not having her near anymore is pretty hard.

In fact I am all choked up and teary-eyed just "talking" about it.

I realize, though, while I value Denisse as a human being, not being able to, or not wanting to, part ways, has more to do with me than her, of course.

It is true. When you miss someone, you really miss how you used to feel when you were with that person. Realizing this has helped me get over the most painful breakups in my life.

Now I am not saying this is the case with Denisse. Speaking of pain, Denisse was there for me through some really tough times, both physically and emotionally speaking. I don't know what I would do without her.

We have all thought this: "I don't know what I would do without him/her." Give it time, though, you look back and you realize every time you have said that, you got through it just fine. Things are always easier in hindsight.

I know that no matter what happens, that's life, and I'll have to deal with it. Not much you can do about the changes in life anyway. It's all transient. You can kick and scream and what good would it do?

A Korean chef I used to work with comes to mind. Whenever there'd be something sucky, out of his control, against his wishes, he'd say, "No choice!" Indeed. No choice. It is not your choice. Life happens. You have to accept.

In the meantime, if you'll excuse me, I'll grieve.