Crystal

Returning from CP (Cat Patrol i.e. RJ's term of endearment for dog-walking duty), our regular elevator was jacked. Someone was monopolizing it to move a bunch of mattresses. At 9:52 p.m. Seriously?

We live on the top floor, corner unit. That's the "penthouse". After two flights of stairs, i'm gasping for air.

Have i mentioned i'm very out of shape.

"I'm gonna take the other elevator," i informed RJ.

"Really?" Responded RJ in good spirit and amusement.

And so i embark on my adventure, having exited on the 3rd floor. I see sights that I never would've otherwise, gestures of goodwill, humor (e.g. plant of unique texture and succulence, clay figurine of pig, friendly welcome mats, one of which reads "wipe your paws").

I rise to the top and i peer down to the unlit courtyard. I can make out the shapes of the vegetation and landscaping.

I breathe in the crisp air. It was a romantic moment. I was reminded of my first camping trip, connecting to nature and such, feeling lost and grounded all at once, exhilarated.

I noticed that i was high up. That perspective reminded me of when i also lived on the top floor from age 11 to 16.

I placed my palms on those metallic railings and i gripped.

The visual, the visceral. I wondered what it would be like to jump off right that moment.

Not that i would. No. That was not the kind of person that i was. But i wondered. As i'd wondered many times in the past, long before i knew the true cause of death of my grandpa.

And then, after I'd learned: if i'd obsessed, was it because of my grandfather? I never considered the connection. But it clicked.

I wanted to know what it felt like. That final moment of deciding. To want to know you were in control. You had that choice.

That grip on the railings. It felt real. Not something I'd felt constant in my life.

But i let go. Someone would miss me. RJ would miss me. I was not alone.

I started the "long" walk home.

An apparition appeared before me just like Madeleine before Scottie in Vertigo. It's RJ.

He'd come for me. Because he cared.

He wondered out loud what was on my mind. Before i had a chance to answer, he wondered if i was ready to go home. "Or would you like to look at the stars?" He asked.

I looked up and there the stars were. Brilliant and pensive. Clear sky. I hadn't noticed.

"I was pondering jumping off the railings," I would've replied. But now, warm and safe, i took his hand. We walked home.