Niceties

Sutra* broke up with me today.

I had been wanting to rid of her. I have never been good at breaking up. So I let it drag on until I just couldn't. Then I ghosted, and got what I wanted.

Still a firm believer in the Law of Attraction, I have to wonder why, when it comes to gf's, I always wind up with losers *cough* I mean people with issues. Have I been willing myself subconsciously?

On the surface, Sutra and I got along great. But I didn't want someone just to get along with. I want more. Ultimately, why do people break up? You seek something the other is not delivering.

As in all other breakups, once I had my mind made up, there was nothing left to say. Too exhausting to even explain.

Online, when I am inclined to comment "No words", sometimes I find it absurd. To express this thought, simply do not leave a comment.

Sutra, true to herself, wrote me an 18-paragraph letter to list her grievances. Which I haven't read because, you know, life is short. I am not surprised. This is her pattern. She's done this with plenty of friends and employers. It is always the other party's fault. She reminds me of my ex Hulmes. This is a chilling and jarring revelation.

If people keep leaving you, stop and wonder. Perhaps you are the problem.

I am upset. I am usually the explainer. It hurts that she thinks I have wronged her. I can't even.

When I was dating, I used to say that hopefully every new person is an upgrade. In hindsight, that certainly wasn't always the case. I am just so grateful that I am with RJ, someone who just lets me be me. EVERY relationship should be this easy. Sadly most are the opposite.

If being in the presence of someone brings negativity, why put yourself through it over and over? Living in the past is not my thing, either. Sutra's golden years were her 20's and it is like she has had nothing to talk about since. We are talkin' 20 years since her heyday. That is sad if one does not examine one's life and raise questions. And she is entitled, not in touch with reality, and just not very interesting. There's gotta be more to life than makeup and food and reminiscing? She drains me.

Surely it is not unrealistic to need a friend to be my intellectual equal, has mentally grown since the 9th grade, and remembers at least some of the things we have discussed in the past? I simply cannot be with someone I do not respect/relate to/have zero symbiosis with.

When I was getting closer to Sherry back in the day, my best male friend then, Derek II, flat out said, "V, you deserve cooler gf's." Remarkably incidentally both Derek and Riley who I thought were my real friends turned out to be not.

Having been best friends with Sherry makes me realize that I have been searching for broken souls still ever since. I can't do that anymore.

My coworker friend, Joya**, has advised in the beginning of my friendship with Sutra that perhaps I was expecting too much in a friendship. "Not everyone is going to be your soul mate, or should be," Joya said.

Months later, today Joya concedes, "You're better off. Glad this happened. Should have happened sooner!" I laughed hard. Out of relief, perhaps.

See, I don't need any Joe Blow (or Jane Mundane) to dine out with or kill time any other way with. I am perfectly happy with my own company and that of a select few. I choose quality over quantity.

For years since my divorce I thought I needed more friends (or, some would be nice). Says who? Maybe I had just been conditioned by society to believe so. Often in a group is when I feel the most lonely and misunderstood.

When I was little, my mother noticed my loner ways and would reprimand my nature. "People are supposed to be gregarious," she'd say. I didn't have the vocabulary then to rebut.

I am an INFJ. Perhaps this lifestyle (or lack thereof) is what I am destined to have, and it is exactly what I need. There is peace and liberation in that.


*Not her real name.
**Not her real name.