Exponential

I have never been happier in my life.

These are strong words. And I mean them.

For the longest time, I felt lost, without a sense of purpose. I've read up on happiness and the "secrets" to it. Bottom line: you have to be content. Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff just about sums it up. But, easier said than done.

I'm old enough to know that you can't rely on an exterior source for happiness. It has to come from within. You have to like you. You have to like life.

Just started working two jobs recently. At the ripe age of 41, I'm finally figuring out what I enjoy doing, what gives me fulfillment. When I was younger, I missed the memo. I thought that work had to suck. That is just the way it is. I spent many work hours in self-pity, dread and misery. Let's face it, when you spend half your waking hours doing something, and you don't care for it, it's a living hell.

I have now had the good fortune of finding a semblance of a path, and finding myself surrounded by good people equally passionate about what they do. I still don't know where the path leads, but it's a very bright start.

RJ, while always supportive and very happy to see me happy, is a little shaken up with all the changes in our daily routine and the fact that we're spending less time together. I hate change myself. For someone who's reluctant and afraid to change, I'm doing surprisingly well. I feel that I didn't give myself enough credit before, the self-proclaimed ill-adjusted adult. As the cliché goes, I possess strength in me I wasn't aware of.

As aforementioned, one should not derive happiness from an external entity. But this joy I'm experiencing is amazing, something I would not have dared imagine or hope for. I am doing some honest, (semi-) hard work, and the reward created by the synergy of sorts just blows me away.

I feel all grown up, for the first time.

I've even felt more empowered on the homefront, more a hausfrau* than ever. Because I can.

I am so glad I took chances. I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm not old yet, either. So, as the saying goes, "While you're not quite old yet!", I guess.

2012 has proven to be a great year of serendipity, transitions and metamorphosis. Courage is a beautiful thing.

Last night, in a sleepy, emotional state, RJ uttered at beddy bye time, "I don't want to lose you."

I was totally taken aback. Why on earth would he think that?

Not when we know our cores. And I'm more in touch than ever. RJ was one milestone that got me to self-discovery in the first place. He was in the story all along.

2013 can only be more exciting. For once I'm enjoying the unknown, like I'm reading a book. A pretty good one at that.


*A term of endearment popularized by RJ which I simply adore

Quote 261

Sometimes you have to do something unforgivable in order just to carry on.

- Carl Jung, A Dangerous Method