Incubus

Adrian of Atlanta, Georgia will not come out and play. Perhaps she is a depressive, like myself.

(I'd like to think Adrian is a she.)

Interesting parallel on saw's blog. I wonder what she means. Probably not literal. Probably nothing is.

This has proven to be a difficult week. Depression was so all-encompassing and oppressive, i wanted to write a poem about it. Only i couldn't. Cuz i was depressed. I could hardly breathe.

But if i could, it would've gone something like...

Engulfed in a fog
of
Shit

To make matters worse, for four nights in a row i could not stomach any alcohol. I either went without, or took a few sips and had to head to bed, it so didn't agree with me. Tough times.

Having read saw's recent postings tonight, i wonder if mine were sympathy symptoms. How cute would that be.

There is so much more to depression than just being sad and feeling blah. For me there's a lot of angst, for starters. Quite an irony for someone who claims to yearn for human connection to resent when someone reaches out to touch. And i'm starting to see it does not have to do with bitterness or fear of rejection. Sometimes the solitude orientation just... is.

And it's impossible, futile, dare i say, to attempt to explain this, to skim the nature of this demon that rides on my back and fucks me from behind, until i bleed and bleed some more, but never bleeds me dry, so the next day it can start all over again.

Arid

I came home this evening to extremely low water pressure. Next to zero.

I was frazzled. All i wanted was to wash the grime off my face so i could relax already. I made a few phone calls just to see whom i should bug about this. Turned out it was a broken pipe within the building and maintenance was on top of it.

As soon as i heard the toilet tank start to fill, i rushed over to the sink and washed down in a jiffy. And sure enough, the supply died in no time. I thought, "There, now i couldn't care less."

But it's never that simple. I got hungry, and wound up with saucy dishes. Sure, I could let them sit all night, but knowing they were there just didn't sit well with me. And of course, i started to panick about running out of ice.

I'm a simple woman. All i ask for is electricity, water, and cable. The bare necessities. It hasn't been that long since another was out of the equation.

Desperate, even though the faucet was only dripping, i turned the filter on and stuck an ice tray beneath. You'd be surprised how fast droplets make rivers... Or ice cubes anyway.

A few minutes later i suddenly heard the hush of running water - it's back on! But who knows for how long?! I ran over to fill a second tray, and a third. Thank Thee, O Lord Thou art my shepherd.

And then i did the dishes like there was no tomorrow. Oh, the lush life!

Gazers

Today i was served a mysterious soup with the lunch special. Soup with seaweed and... tiny shrimps. Not just any ol' tiny shrimps. Tiny shrimps with eyes.

Translucent and ghostly, they're like drowned victims staring back at you. They seem... undead.

Now, the Chinese are notorious for calling the most outlandish things delicacies. And i've tried many a dish shy of cat (i don't even like live cats). So i've definitely had baby marine life. But this, this is the showstopper, bar none.

Quote 43

I'm trying to put this thing to bed...
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep...

Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes...

I'm struggling to cater for the
Space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care

... Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all

... Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

- "False Alarm", Eye to the Telescope, KT Tunstall

Epiphany 8

It suddenly hit me that i could die without anyone knowing the real me. I became crippled with fear.

Even on here, where i vow to be honest and truthful, i can always downplay certain aspects. For example, is it cooler to quote KT Tunstall than Kelly Clarkson? (Of course it is, but you catch my drift.)

All of us are multifaceted and complex as hell. Arguably, who really knows us, all of us, in our entirety?

I used to facetiously lament with JD, "Why doesn't anyone love me?"

And i grew ashamed of wanting to be loved. All in the name of being strong. You know what? I have been strong. I am strong.

And still i want to be loved. These things are not mutually exclusive.

Quote 42

He's as damned as he seems...

A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see

... I'm longing for love and the logical...
I'm searching for some kind of miracle

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends
He breaks
He's never enough and
still he's more than i can take

- "Beautiful Disaster (Live)", Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Whine On Wine

During one of my visits at Matt's, he offered me wine. I couldn't decide, so he led me to his cellar. Well, more like the rack near the laundry room.

It was quite a collection. There was vintage from 3 decades back. 99% was red.

I still couldn't decide.

"What do you usually drink?" Asked Matt.

"These days," i replied. "Reisling."

With slight but distinct disdain, Matt stated, "So you're a white drinker."

This is what i should've said: No... Last time i checked, still Asian.

(LOL!)