Dating always leaves me a little anxious and gaseous. And anal sex only aggravates matters.
Last night i had my last date with York II. No sex then. What a waste of black lacy underwear!
He said the word "repertoire", and then defined it in context. That would be the last time he insulted my intelligence. JD knew that i knew what repertoire meant. Well, he wouldn't remember, but there's a difference.
With York (i think i can drop the suffix now), I think, from the get-go, deep down we knew we didn't have all that much in common, and it was never gonna become a long-term thing. But still, it was sad to ultimately end it.
For a couple of weeks now i sensed that York had dwindling desires to engage in daytime activities with me. I joked that all we did was fuck. I could see that nervous smile. He was not good at hiding emotions.
I imagined confronting him about it. I imagined drawing his attention to the fact that this was going nowhere. And i couldn't live with feeling like a frigging concubine.
But i couldn't do it. I just grew resentful and restless.
When he brought up seeing other people again, i said, "If something has potential, you won't want to pursue something else. " He tried to be diplomatic about it, naming my qualities that he liked. But i cornered him.
"Basically, you need to see other people because our connection is not complete," I said.
Silence.
"Right?" I needed a concrete stance on the issue at hand.
"I guess," he answered. "If you have to put it that way."
I sighed in partial relief. "It's okay to say that," I said. I think he was bewildered by my need for brutal honesty.
I never thought i'd coin the expression "an incomplete connection". That was JD's monopoly.
But it's true. What are the chances you'll meet someone who fulfill all your needs? It's pretty rare.
He was a little disappointed that i wouldn't hang around while he continued his search. Wow. Guys really do think differently than women.
He wanted to know if we could stay friends. With someone who's been in daylight with me only once in the 45 days i've known him? Chances are not good, i'll say.
Perhaps i should thank the heavens above i didn't get more emotionally invested before things became blatantly clarified. But i had developed
some feelings for him. A woman can't snuggle up, press her breasts against the hollow between someone's shoulder blades, smooch the back of his neck, take in the cool of his buttocks on her crotch, and not feel a thing. Such is the curse of the female gender. Sex always tugs on the heartstrings.
And thus hearing that speech was still not fun. Even though i felt the same way as he. Wanting someone to fall for me is all about validation. Boy do i have rejection issues to deal with .
So this morning when i woke up all i wanted to do was to go to the gym and feel some pain. Transforming emotional suffering to physical pain can be therapeutic. Beats cutting and making gastric ulcers bleed, i realize.
Even though i'd been wanting to drink since 1 a.m., i tried to remember a couple of things i'd learned in therapy. "Action precedes motivation", and "When you feel depressed, do the opposite." In other words, don't sit home all day and loop the tracks of the likes of Elliott Smith and Damien Rice.
So I went to dim sum with my brother's family. This is gonna be our last dim sum session in a while, as Elsie is giving birth to their second boy on Wednesday.
And folks, that was all i could handle. On the way home i still feel a little teary. But i refuse to cry. Perhaps it's not a loss when you can look forward to experiencing something else. Something new.
Someone new. And perhaps, for a change, that someone new will be me.
