Slim

My Aunt Teresa came from the orphanage to my mother's house as a servant. I hadn't been born yet.

Abandoned by her own mother during WWII and verbally and physically abused by the nuns running the orphanage, Aunt Teresa grew up with very low self-esteem.

Eventually she married my (mentally ill) uncle, my mother's oldest brother. But her role as a servant never quite changed. As the size of the household grew, she worked for easily 18 hours a day. Back-breaking work. Even as a child, I observed that she had very little respect from the people who were supposed to be her family, the only family she ever had.

I made a point to praise her. It evolved into a lifelong motto of giving credit where credit is due.

There was very little commending from the rest of the family, the least of all my mother (I should know).

Fast forward a few decades. Aunt Teresa is in a home after she broke her femur and is no longer bipedally mobile. My parents are in their 80's and aging rapidly. I am 6,000 miles away, as I have been since I was 16.

Even before Aunt Teresa was confined to a home, reaching her was challenging as she never learned to use a smart phone. After her mother-in-law and husband passed away, she had been living alone for a long while, in a flat with 4 bedrooms and two baths (very generous in that part of the world). A space of ghosts and quietude. Of course, she had her friends from church, and she did her volunteer work 7 days a week, more dedicated than you would a regular job. But when I would visit, I could see the blankness behind those eyes sometimes. Nothing can take the place of family, even if they have mistreated you in the past.

During COVID lockdown, for extended periods of time the home did not allow visitors at all. I shudder to imagine the isolation one must feel. After reopening, my parents gradually ceased to be as mobile as they used to be. Eventually they are not able to visit Aunt Teresa even if they want to. I tend to feel that, for all that Aunt Teresa has suffered and sacrificed for, both as a Roman Catholic and a human being, her God certainly has not rewarded her with much. I know that the one thing she's craved is love. She hasn't had her fair share. She will spend her final years alone, without family, just as she did as a child.

Yesterday, my cousin Jojo, the only person who is still able to visit Aunt Teresa semi-regularly, shared with us in a group chat a couple of photos of Aunt Teresa showing off a multimedia piece of art she had created: a tin decorated with many colorful, shiny trinkets. It was really quite attractive. Jojo said Aunt Teresa seemed proud of her work. As she should be, I thought. I felt proud of her. Wish I could tell her in person.

My mother and an aunt in the group started to chime in, actually praising Aunt Teresa. 

"So talented!" My mother exclaimed. "I had no clue!"

I was incredulous. NOW you have nice things to say? Aunt Teresa would never see these praises as she does not own a smart phone. And her memory is fading. If you fill her in a week after the fact, it likely does not mean much.

Where was this approval when she needed it in decades past?

But these days sometimes I stop the judgment and wonder: what caused a person's behavioral pattern? Those stingy with praises probably did not receive praises themselves growing up.

So. Much. Hurt. We deal each other.

Can't Twitter or Facebook 11

Not that I would tweet anymore... But this was the series of not being able to share on social media.

#TFW you find out some of those in your circle whom you once considered close friends, intelligent, cool individuals, turn out to be right-winged nuts.

Maybe they always were right-winged nuts, just never spoke up. Maybe I missed all the signs? No, pretty sure there were no signs.

And they could say the same about those of us who identify as liberal.

The divisiveness... How I wish we could bridge. It is heartbreaking. And dangerous.

When those who are unfit to rule are in power, when the populace is blind to their inadequacies and ambition - what a paradox BTW! What's to become of the world?

I don't feel safe. Far from it.

Sacre

I needed to write this. I had stopped writing, thinking, "What's the point?" It just seemed silly to be gushing anymore. Besides, having read the likes of John Irving, and listened to the likes of Joy Reid, I think, Who am I kidding? I am not a writer! I am barely an intellect.

I have suppressed the need to write in the past year or so (?)

And then, something life-changing happened, yet again.

Last summer, I revisited the town where I grew up, and the family I hadn't seen in 4 years, thanks to the pandemic known as COVID. I made a plan to visit more often. So I did, again in February this year.

Aunt Teresa is now in a home. My vibrant, beloved Aunt Teresa, who was my primary caretaker, one of the very few people on earth whose name I have not altered on this blog.

One just never knows when is the last time. The last time I walked with her the park known to the locals as "Pigeon Nest"; the last time I treated her to tea, complete with symphony cake; the last time she walked.

She's in a home because she no longer walks.

When I visited her this past winter, at one point I crouched to adjust her pants and to pull up her socks, because slivers of her calves were being exposed to the cold. I get it. It is not easy for the orderlies to fix up everything after they have gotten you to the toilet, cleaned you up, and hoisted you back in your wheelchair. Clothes get bunched up, inevitably. 

As I bowed down before my aunt in this manner, busying myself at her feet, I felt a tender hand on my head, patting, almost gingerly. I looked up and it was Aunt Teresa, petting me, lovingly but uncertainly, like a child with a stray dog, almost with pity.

My heart completely melted at the moment. I didn't think I'd had a truer connecting moment with a human being since childhood. And even then...

Fast forward to this fall, my third visit since resuming after the global pandemic.

My mother's health is fast deteriorating. She has many ailments, and she's grown quite frail in her old age. She's been solely dependent on my Dad to get by each day even ten years before. Her condition has only gotten worse. She's lost a lot of weight, never has appetite, and everything pains her. She now practically does not leave the house except to go to doctors' appointments.

I tell my boss (to justify my frequent leaves of absence) that 1 year to older folks are like 5 to regular adults. It is true.

My Mom is still very much plagued by OCD and idiosyncrasies, and the assumption that all should bend to her will. But she's also become less controlling somewhat because she's no longer physically able. Sometimes when she smiles and laughs, I now see the child in her, which I never saw before.

How can you get mad at a child?

Both my parents have gotten much more emotional in their 80's, more remarkably in my Mom's case, because she's been so emotionally constipated up till this point. The guardedness has worn off to some extent, and she verbalizes how she feels more readily. Some might say it's typical to revert to childlike qualities at this stage, closing the circle of life. But still phenomenal in my book.

On one occasion, as my mother and I are seated in my parents' bed, half-heartedly watching TV before bedtime, I forget what the trigger was, but she reached out with her very bony hand and brushed my cheek, smiling brightly and innocently. Like she cherished me and was really happy I was there. I was moved, and naturally reached out to her cheek as well. It was such a tender moment. Honestly I can't say I'd ever had one with her earlier in life.

On one hand, I am so grateful, I am incredulous. On the other, Why has it taken 50+ years for us to have a loving relationship? Only when she is near death's steps.

But... to have had love at all... is truly a gift.

I've read recently that love is not lost. It is never lost. It helps to remember that, since time is not linear, every moment is ALWAYS there. As you are living, you are also already dead, and you are also unborn. Savor every moment as if it's eternity, because it is.

Quote 304

Help me create ever-enduring love
from my persistent dissonance with the world.

- Czeslaw Milosz

And You May Quote Me 68

 Her longing was as unrelenting as the Arctic sun in August.

Quote 303

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves,
and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

- Agnes Repplier

The Big Terrible Thing

I've been reading Matthew Perry's memoir, and it's been affecting me more profoundly than I would have imagined. I become very emotional at times, so much so that I've wanted to drink to alleviate the pain I so relate to and feel deeply.

It is very curious, this trigger. I haven't exactly struggled with the temptation that is drinking since I became "clean" on Jan 22 this year.

But on Dec 22, exactly 11 months since striving relatively free of demons, I did slip up and have a multi-beverage night. I had been having major anxiety at work, having shitty feelings about life in general. So I gave in. It was days and days of shitty feelings leading up to it. The next morning, I had a terrible hangover which lasted till 3:30 p.m. Just like the old days. I had forgotten how terrible hangovers were.

The light research I've done on addiction has piqued my interest even more. Some older notions are being challenged these days apparently, such as an "addictive personality". Also, addiction is a spectrum, like many other things. This is news to me and very eye-opening.

Matthew Perry's dis-ease, as he called it, was way, way on one end of the spectrum. To learn all about his difficult journey is gut-wrenching, all the more so since he has died in October this year. All hope is now lost.

The book was published in 2022. He seemed to be doing so well. And then a year later: dead.

I've heard someone recommend the audible book version of his memoir as Perry had done the reading himself. I can imagine: his story, his delivery, brutal honesty with humor - that would be killer. "Just like listening to a friend," that blogger had said. I couldn't bring myself to listen to his voice now. Not this story. That would be too heartbreaking.

I think about how charming he was as Chandler on Friends, not in a contrived, I-know-I-am-awesome way, but with a vulnerability that was very endearing. RJ had this endearing quality when we met (and still does), and I married him.

A lot of people have posted about Perry since his unexpected demise which occurred only a couple of months after his 54th birthday. Almost every one of those posts has made me tear up. There's just something about how he's hidden his pain all his life, how alone he's felt, that really resonates.

He writes that he could be fine all day, but going to bed alone terrified him. That was totally me! He drank himself to a stupor so he didn't have to ponder this loneliness. Me! Leave him alone in an apartment in front of the TV at night, and the devil that is alcoholism moves in fast. This gal! 'Cept for me it was the computer monitor.

And after a while you choose to be alone to hide the shame and guilt that comes with drinking, and the need to drink. And that leads to more loneliness, which leads to more drinking.

I never planned to drink nightly for 18 fucking years. It's unbelievable.

And when I read Perry's memoir, it's believable. It makes me remember. He hits the nail on the head.

I am lucky it did not take as much effort and peril before I turned back. Stepped away from the sinking ship. Took long enough, though.

When we are suffering and we believe we are suffering alone (as often is the case with humans), much harmful behavior can arise (toward ourselves as well as others).

Every once in a while I miss oblivion - the state of bliss of not caring and not hurting which alcohol helped ascending to (or winding down to). But now I know that is not a solution. When you sober up, your problems are waiting for you.

These days I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. Not ruining my life, but I can't function without the daily intake. 

Cue the best Bond movie title, The World is Too Much. To me, the world is always a bit overwhelming. People are. Got to ease the central nervous system and attempt at a semblance of euphoria somehow.

There are worse things to get hooked on. Hell, even Perry put his foot down and wouldn't touch heroin.

This said, I am going to study addiction for a while. Mighty intriguing.

If only more of us could be enlightened and okay on our own and didn't need any damned mind-altering agents to get through the day! 

Perry believed in God and the afterlife. I don't. But if his consciousness remained in existence in one form or another, he'd be pleased to know that his book continues to help people obtain insight and likely will for a long time. In this sense, he is immortal. And he doesn't have to wonder about his worth any longer. He is, indeed, more than enough.