All In a Day's Work 3

Today was pretty wonderful for a Monday. And i didn't realize it until i did a mental recap just now. To me blogging is like chicken frigging soup for the soul.

I had a rough morning. Even though i got more than enough sleep, i felt zombie-esque. After 5 servings of coffee at work, my hands started trembling, and i didn't feel any more alert.

And word had it that my district supervisor was coming in today. I couldn't relax. I tried to exercise what i'd learned in CBT class to control my level of anxiety, and it worked to some extent, but i was distressed.

She came in mid-afternoon, and we actually had some laughs. I didn't do anything to her dismay. Even when she was showing me stuff i knew already, i displayed humility. Cos by now i'd learned she didn't appreciate a smart ass.

She's always reminded me of Drew Barrymore. Which i've never told her. She may not be fond of Drew Barrymore. Can't take that chance. But i sense a good spirit. I like her underneath it all.

And i wasn't so tense around her any more.

Matt came in late in the day as usual. I helped him with the label printer. He told me i was awesome. Later i realized no one had ever shown me how to work that thing. I just figured it out on my own. I should take credit for that.

He'd come in earlier, bitching and moaning about how Monday mornings sucked. I expressed empathy as usual. Five minutes later, he said, "I really didn't wanna come in today, but then i thought, V. was gonna be there."

"And that made it all worth it," i said, and chuckled.

"Yep," he replied.

In the afternoon he worked on some stuff in our office. Right before he left, i asked, "Having fun yet?"

His response was positive. And then he dashed out the door remarking, "You have a great smile!"

"So do you!" I yelled back. I don't know if he heard.

Later, Matt told Mildred* my suprevisor that i was second to only Mildred herself. Mildred agreed, but i was sure she was only humoring Matt. I was embarrassed. I'm never quite at ease with compliments.

Our company is so backwards, we don't even have MS Office on our workstations. But apparently Matt has Word on his labtop.

He ran into trouble with bulleting. Mildred thought i could help.

I tried but couldn't. That bugged me. Damn it, it says on my résumé i'm proficient in Word. I'd better live up to that statement.

So i experimented a bit after i got home. And in my drunken state i *gasp* called Matt. I'd had his cell number memorized. Big surprise.

He sounded pleased. "Maybe you can show me tomorrow," he said. I hung up feeling fulfilled.

No wonder office romance is so tempting to most. It's safe as long as you don't act on those urges. Right now, Matt is perfect, cos he hasn't rejected me. And he'll never hurt me as long as i keep my distance. So long as someone stays in the realm of fantasy, nothing can go wrong. Can't beat that element of mystique.


*Not her real name

Affirmation

It's Saturday again, and i thought Kenneth must be in the city again, without internet access. After 3 weeks, i've finally come to terms that maybe he's not just busy - he simply doesn't want to see me again.

The guy was depressed, and i got the feeling he wasn't quite over his ex-wife. Did i really want to go down that road?

But i thought he liked talking to me. I made him laugh.

I started counting all the guys who had cut me loose, whom i never heard from again. But some of them saw something in me. And those qualities are real. I embrace these qualities that make me who i am. And if someone picks and chooses which of these attributes he likes, then it's his problem, not mine.

It is unlikely i'll ever meet someone who embraces me in my entirety. But it's possible*.


*I'm borrowing JD's favorite quote from The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Boo!

It's been a long week. I've been tired everyday. I've lost track of time. This morning, when Matt bragged about having two Halloween parties to attend on Saturday alone, i was like, But it's not even Halloween yet! Not realizing this is the weekend before All Hallows Eve.

Denisse never got back to me about that bash in Castro. In fact it's curious that she hasn't responded to my Tuesday email.

Matt asked where "my helper" was, referring to JF.

"It's the other way around," i replied. "I'm her helper."

"But you're the smart one," said Matt.

I was more than flattered. "You really think so?"

"Oh yeah," said Matt.

Just then Clark the manager walked in. Matt notified me that Clark used to be in deep sea fishing.

"And Matt is going to be doing a different kind of fishing this weekend," winked Clark.

Matt laughed abashedly. I realized there might be some truth in that joke, and suddenly a cloud hung over me.

Tomorrow Denisse, JD and i are going to see Chicago the musical in the city. I had bought tickets months ago as a birthday present to JD. A lot has transpired, and JD and i now have this convoluted friendship... Don't even ask me to explain.

But not having anything else going on this weekend was starting to eat at me.

I felt lonely in that office. Even though i kinda enjoyed the quiet all by myself. Such is the wonderful paradox of bipolarity.

KJ of our floor staff walked in, saw that i was on the phone, and walked out. When i got off, i stood at the doorway and asked, "Did you want to ask me something?"

KJ smiled mischievously as he walked back in. He had this "i know something that you don't" look.

"A customer said to me, 'So you get to work with Miss Universe, huh?'" Said KJ. "I was like, 'What?' Then he pointed at you."

"What?!" i suppressed my bewilderment. "Are you serious?"

"I swear!" Then he crossed himself.

"When?"

"This morning."

"Huh," i contemplated on the scenario. "He hasn't been out much, has he?"

KJ laughed out loud.

Man, i love making people laugh. It's such a satisfying sensation.

So then KJ started calling me Miss Universe for the rest of the day. "That is so funny!" i'd say.

But secretly i thought to myself, i should probably stick to salads from now on to retain that title - I'm so vain. Well, the underlying sin is insecurity. But who needs to beat a dead horse.

I was following up with Clark on a matter that concerned Matt, when Clark attested that i was doing a good job.

"Matt thinks highly of you," said Clark. "And he's the most difficult to please."

That seriously appealed to my sick need to glean affection from challenging sources. I wonder what Matt's exact words were. I wonder if he went, "That V. certainly is doing a good job. And man, that ass!"

After all, i'm Miss Universe for the day. Actually, you know what? I'm not that ambitious. Miss America would've sufficed.

I actually mustered up enough strength to run a couple of errands after work, knowing i wouldn't in the next two days. JD called me when i was about done, wanting to know what the game plan was the next day.

I dreaded having to call Denisse. JD is the only one in the world i don't dread calling. Later he would share that he felt the same about me.

Denisse was in a funk, just as i'd suspected. She was a little uncertain about things, how to meet up, and all the other details. She went on to confess that she would be up and up about doing things for a while, then retreat into "i don't wanna do anything" mode.

"OMG," i wrote (we were in IM. Better than phone i say.) "I'm exactly the same!"

Then i added, "Maybe you're bipolar... I am."

She didn't respond for a long time. I thought, uh oh, maybe i should've bit my tongue. Or my finger. Whatever the analogy.

So i changed the subject and everything was fine.

She has to be bipolar, i conclude. Or at least entertained the possibility. A person who couldn't be farthest from suffering this ailment would just laugh at my suggestion.

It's okay, Denisse. I wanted to assure her. But perhaps it wasn't time yet. Or perhaps i'm on a bipolar witch hunt.

So no Halloween bash for me and Denisse. It's all for the best i guess. I've already broken some of the feathers on my mask. I hadn't known they were real feathers.

There's symbolism about life in there somewhere, i'm sure.

All In a Day's Work 2

I followed my impulse to head for the lake after work today.

Matt at work has taken it upon himself to investigate my extracurricular activities lately. Yesterday, he came in late in the day from the East Bay. I was in a rush to take off because i had an appointment to see my therapist.

I didn't want to seem rude, so i kinda talked to myself, "I have to go, I have to go..." as i put things away in a hurry.

"Big date tonight?" Inquired Matt.

"No," i said. "Just a doctor's appointment." Then i dreaded he might wonder what necessitated the visit. Thankfully, he was far more tactful than to actually pursue the subject.

Matt hung around to ask if JF and i had picked out our Halloween costumes.

"I've got a mask," i said.

Matt cracked a joke but i couldn't hear him. "Excuse me?"

He shook his head and looked down, "Nothing. I'm not gonna go there." Then he blushed.

Hmm.

The office was a pandemonium when i left. The copier had broken down.

"Have fun on your date!" Yelled Matt from the crowd.

"Date!" i snickered, too tired to explain there'd be no dates, no dates at all for a while. The stars simply weren't aligned that way.

Therapy lifted the unbearable anxiety that prevailed in the prior two days. I actually had peace when i got home, needing only one drink before bed.

But there's residual sadness alright. Lately i feel the entire world has forgotten and forsaken me. I don't get any personal email, no phone calls, no solicitation of any sort. I have recoiled into hermetic mode.

To my own surprise, i've grown more fond of and attached to JF at work. We have our girl talks and have hearty laughs at times. She has said i'm funny.

Today i took her to lunch. On our way out, Rob yelled, in the presence of all the floor staff and customers, "Have a couple of cocktails!"

JF is driving to Mexico tonight and won't be back till after Halloween. As we said goodbye at the end of the day, i hugged her and felt strangely sad.

Once again, Matt came in when i was about to call it a day. Rob had already been there, borrowing a desk to work on stuff. Noticing i was getting ready, Rob said, "Have a drink on me!" And laughed.

"You're gonna have to come along," i replied. It was just a formulated, punch-in-the-arm buddy reply.

"Are you gonna live it up, have a big night out?" Matt asked.

I don't know what this guy takes me for. It's Thursday, for crying out loud.

"No," i replied. "Just gonna head straight home. I'm really tired." I'd been tired all week.

"Gonna live it up at home?" Matt grinned.

"Maybe," i grinned too. Rob cackled in the back.

So Matt has heard i'm a drinker. Great.

"I hardly drink at home any more," said Rob. "The last time i drank was at Chili's*. They had these 16 oz. glasses..."

"Not a tube direct from the tap to your mouth?" Teased Matt.

More cackling.

Rob started asking me if i watched Grey's Anatomy. I confessed that the only things i watched were Law & Order and CSI. Just yesterday he'd asked me what kinda music i liked.

"I like Criminal Intent," said Rob. "I like Bobby."

"I just watch porn," Matt responded. "Porn, porn, porn. That's all i do."

"That's what i do too when Law & Order isn't on," i said. With a straight face. Rob laughed again.

I hate to admit, but that was the most interesting conversation i've had since JD left Monday morning.

On the way home, anxiety and regret built up. Now everybody knows i drink when i get home. Fatigue has the same effect on me as boozing, so much so that i seldom censor my speech when i'm dead tired. I started wondering if i'd made an inappropriate joke or two, and ruminating that perhaps now Matt realized i was damaged goods. But...

1) Why should i care? There's nothing going on.
2) Even if there's a remote potential for some kind of a relationship, brutal honesty is the only way to go.

Come to think of it, if someone learns that i drink myself silly and is still interested, something is probably not right in the head on their end.

After work, i followed my impulse to head for the lake near my house. I sat on a bench and took in the sun, the breeze, and the sound of running water. It was zen for five minutes. (There was not a cloud in the sky. My soul could be as clear.) I stared at the fountain, and acknowledged that each moment was unique - at each nanosecond, the water particles were in a configuration that would never be repeated in time. Just as you savor a moment, it's gone. I watched the ripples. Each of us is but a water particle.

(I've taken one too many religious studies class, haven't i.)

In a distance, there was this tree that was bright red. So bloody red it didn't belong in California. More in Vermont, i conjected. I admired it from where i was sitting, wishing i had the energy to walk the long and winding road around the lake toward it. Then i just wished i had a better camera than my Palm. Something with zoom.

I felt blessed to live so close to this lake. Next week, after Daylight Saving Time ends, the sun will have set by the time i get home. Remember this day, i told myself, before depression befalls you.

Then i decided, enough zen. It's time to go home for a drink.

*Not what he said

Inebriates Are All Around Us...

I had a serious hangover this morning. I didn't have a headache, nor was i sensitive to light and sound, but i... just... felt... stupid.

I had such a hard time concentrating even after 3 cups of coffee. I felt like i was moving in slo-mo.

Clark the manager walked in. Sometimes Clark walks in and circles about, and you never know if he really wants something, or is just taking a break from the madding crowd.

I usually ask him how his day is going and such. I'm so pleasant at work, i make myself sick.

On this particular day, Clark decided to share that he was recovering from a drinking fest the previous night.

"There's not enough coffee on Monday morning," I declared. "What's your poison?"

JF my co-departmentee started giggling. She's cute that way. She's older but childlike in some aspects. Which i like. I'm just a simpleton that way too.

Clark must've felt cornered and/or self-conscious, for he pretended he was needed out on the sales floor, and walked out. Hey, i didn't hear anyone hollering.

Oliver*, the third sales rep whom i haven't mentioned on this blog, likes to ask about weekend plans and deeds. One time, i whined about hoping not to have to work on Sat, and he asked mischievously, "Hot date?" Which cracked me up.

"Maybe," i replied with a grin.

He laughed out loud, "That's a yes!"

But i think he's uncomfortable around me at times. i'm fine with that though. The less people who wanna talk to me at work, the better.

That's probably not the right attitude. : )

So anyway, this morning, as usual, Oliver was uncomfortable with silence again, and felt obliged to ask how my weekend was, when i paid Rob a visit in their office.

"Great!" I replied. And of course i had to ask him back how his was.

All our sales reps are a little uneasy when you turn the table on them. They even avert your eyes and stuff. Which makes you wonder what they're up to all weekend. Come on, fellas, communiation is a two-way street! Do unto others what you will... Well, you catch my drift.

I don't know what possessed me to share, but i went, "I partied a little too hard, and i'm paying for it this morning."

Oliver started to laugh his signature hearty laugh, while Rob went wide-eyed in shock.

"Last night?" Oliver pursued.

I just smiled and nodded.

"Atta girl!" Exclaimed Oliver. I don't recall the last time i won his approval.

Moments later, I was getting coffee. Again. Rob ran a dolly by me, with which normally, i surmised, he would hit open the swing door to the rear warehouse open. Just then he paused at the door and whispered, "I'll be quiet, since you're hungover."

I dramatically gasped, "I never said that!!"

"That's what you were saying though," Rob said, and had this "don't worry, i understand" expression on his face. "I mean it's not acceptable to say that in the workplace."

"True," i replied.

We grinned as usual and parted ways as usual. I found his "your secret is safe with me" demeanor hilarious. I thought it was the other way around!


*Not his real name

Hofbrau Nooner

With us bipolars, life is always a case of glass half full or half empty. When i'm manic i tend to recall the moments when i enjoyed life. With simple things. And when i'm depressed, i remember all the times i tried many things with no joy.

Last night i cradled my baby nephew in my arms, hummed and rocked him gently until he stopped crying and fell asleep. He was so soft, so warm, and helpless. I felt like i was protecting him from the big bad world. I instantly felt maternal.

York II once said that, with women, the hormones for bonding and intimacy are more readily released than in men. That's why women tend to attach to sex feelings of love, and are less likely to abandon their children (unless they are extremely depressed/disturbed, of course. IMHO.)

I went to the Campbell Oktoberfest by myself today. I'd invited Kenneth the musician to come along, but he seemed busiest on weekends. You know, gigs and rehearsals and all. I don't think this is gonna work out, with this major difference between us.

Well, i'd always wanted to check out an Oktoberfest. And Campbell was just as good a town as any. So i said, heck with companionship. I'm going.

I have to say this was the first time since JD that i actually, genuinely enjoyed a festival all by myself. I was happy getting ready. Had Shakira on and danced all the way through. I didn't even care what time it was. It was a gorgeous day to be out. Probably the last chance this year to get a tan. As i leisurely strolled about historic downtown Campbell, which i'd never been, i didn't once look at my watch.

Until i sampled some bread dip. Then i realized i was hungry. Out of curiosity, i checked the time. I'd been there an hour.

So i had me a beerwurst with grilled onions. Mmmm... so good! : ) That was being adventurous, BTW. I took a chance, instead of going for a spicy Bavarian, which would be a no-brainer for me.

I saw a sign that i thought said "House of Bras". And i thought, great! I'm going in. Then, as i got closer, i saw that it was really "House of Brass". Dang.

I also passed by The American Consignment Company. Their banner read: "We accept consignments now". Hmm. Now? What were they doing before?

I made three impluse purchases today. Such are the perils of a good mood. Here's what i bought and what they compensated for respectively.

1. Chandelier pearl earrings: Fear/social anxiety
2. Mask, masquerade/carnival style, for the upcoming Halloween bash: Feelings of inadequacy
3. Olive oil/bread dip, 4-pack, baby bottles: Lack of friendship

Actually, there's probably inadequacy behind every single purchase. I mean, i don't need 3 different kinds of olive oil. Who does? (One bottle was a gift to my brother, who loves bread dip.)

And i picked up the latest issue of the Wave Magazine which featured the "Top 25 South Bay Restaurants". So i could believe i'd actually try them sometime. I always pick up this publication for the same reason: so i feel i could have a life; I could get out more.

When i was ready to leave, i'd been there for a couple of hours, petitioned for "No on Proposition 87" (or was it 86? Shit.) and seen a little guy in German costume play the accordian. I really lived it up, didn't i. *Chuckle*... I'm so proud of myself. Already sore from my workout to start with, now my legs really hurt. But in a good way.

Afterthought

JD said the card i sent him was funny. It had the audio of one of "our" favorite movie quotes, a silly one.

Since JD was severely depressed, i wonder if he:

A. Smiled.
B. Smiled on the inside.
C. : I